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The Best UPUA Election Write-In Candidates

The votes were counted, and Emily McDonald handily won the UPUA presidency. The big storylines of election night followed that successful campaign, as well as the recount for the final at-large bid. Year after year, however, Penn State students prove themselves to be one of the best stories during student government election season, providing the commission with some humor courtesy an incredible array of write-in votes. From athletes to celebrities to nonsense words, we combed through 92 pages of write-ins in search of the best, funniest, and most creative options you provided. Remember, your vote matters, even if it’s for I.C. Weiner.

Riff Raff – Two Presidential, One At-Large

Who better than the Neon Icon, Jody Highroller himself to be in charge of your student body? Those Versace chairs in the HUB you’ve been pushing for will be here faster than you can say “Rap game Uncle Ben pulling rice out the oven.” Riff Raff has collaborated with just about everyone, and the Penn State student body could be next.

DJ Newbill – 22 At-Large, One Each for Presidential and the WHRA Positions

Penn State’s best basketball player was shown an awful lot of love in this year’s election, and even had backcourt partner Geno Thorpe chosen as his running mate on the Presidential ticket. Sadly, Newbill will be graduating next month, so he would not be able to assume office. Maybe this will inspire Josh Reaves to run for freshman representative when he gets to campus in August.

409 – One At-Large

Joe Paterno himself received a surprisingly low 16 total votes, but his legend continues to live on. In fact, perhaps in celebration of his restored wins, one Penn Stater believed that the non-sentient three digit combination that makes up that total was worthy of a seat in the student government. A truly groundbreaking idea from the student body that could cause problems in future elections commissions.

Ron Swanson – One Presidential

Nobody hates government more than Ron Swanson, so the irony of seeing him at the presidential desk in 314 HUB would be rather wonderful. A self-proclaimed libertarian, Swanson’s agenda would most likely include replacing the UPUA’s constitution with the United States’ one, cutting all funding, refunding the student activity fee, and probably the systematic dismantling of the entire organization.

General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson – One At-Large

One of the most famous confederate generals of all-time, Stonewall Jackson would certainly not put up with any of the antics that plagued the Ninth Assembly of the UPUA. Unfortunately for the Penn State community at large, General Jackson died from complications due to pneumonia in 1863, and thus will not be able to take a spot in the 2015-16 edition of the UPUA.

James Franklin – 56 Total

The energetic face of Penn State football would certainly bring much-needed pep to Wednesday night assembly meetings. In terms of recruiting representatives to help support his legislation, no competition could stand up to his persuasive ways. Coach Franklin was the leading write-in vote-getter in this year’s election (Bill O’Brien received two), and his executive running mate would most likely end up as defensive coordinator Bob Shoop, who garnered two votes as Franklin’s vice president.

Just The Letter ‘n’ In Lowercase – Three At-Large

What would happen if someone decided to start a write-in campaign for an abstraction in one of the less-contested elections, and that abstraction happened to win? Someone tried to find out, but unfortunately campaigned for the letter ‘n’ in the most difficult position to get, At-Large. I legitimately have no idea how something like that would be handled if it was forced to be implemented. It’s certainly something to think about when the new elections code gets written.

Frank Underwood – Two At-Large, One EHRA President

Any House of Cards fan can tell you that Francis is a hell of a tactician, but it takes more than just a skilled politician to deal with the likes of Faculty Senate and university administration. If elected EHRA President, Frank would predictably use it as a stepping stone to the UPUA presidency, ousting current VP Terry Ford in a scandal before forcing Emily McDonald to transfer and assuming her role. At the very least, though, Underwood would keep the assembly in line as a former Congressional whip.

The Entire Cast of the Book of Mormon – One PHRA Secretary

I’m not sure how the full set of performers from a Broadway show would divide up the responsibilities of the PHRA Secretary. Hell, I’m not even sure what those responsibilities are. However, if there was one group of people I’d trust to get the job done, it’s the team who would give all opponents Spooky Mormon Hell Dream(s). Sadly, the cast didn’t win, but tomorrow is a latter day.

NO VOTE – Eight Total Votes

You guys know you can just not fill in the write-in spot, right? Nobody is forcing you to vote for every category. In fact, by writing “NO VOTE,” you are actually casting a vote, thereby wholly negating your mission. I appreciate the caps, though, as we now know just how emphatic you were about your non-decision.

Others Receiving Votes:

  • abstain
  • Allen Iverson
  • Bam Margera
  • Beyonce
  • Bill Clinton and Dan Bilzerian
  • Cael Sanderson
  • Christian Hackenberg and Mike Gesicki
  • Crash Bandicoot
  • Doug Stamper
  • eat my ass
  • George W. Bush
  • Harvey Dent
  • Hingle McCringleberry
  • idk
  • INVESTIGATE 9/11
  • Jason O
  • Jennifer Lopez Illuminati
  • Jesus Christ Lord our Savior AMEN
  • John Urschel
  • Juwanna Mann
  • Kanye West
  • Keith Olbermann
  • Kevin Horne
  • Left Shark
  • Marques Tuiasosopo
  • Mike Waite
  • Pat Chambers
  • Plato
  • Rip Engle
  • Rob Bolden
  • Ronald Reagan
  • Shaq
  • Snoop Dogg
  • Taylor Swift
  • Terry Pegula
  • Terry Tate Office Linebacker
  • Thomas the Tank Engine
  • Tim Frazier
  • Tim the Hoyt Hall Janitor
  • Turd Ferguson
  • Tyga
  • Uncle Kracker
  • Waluigi
  • West Cookie Maker
  • Willard Preacher

About the Author

Noel Purcell

Noel Purcell is Onward State's Features Editor. He's a senior Supply Chain major, but is going to law school at some point in the future and masquerades as a writer for now. He continues to disappoint his ancestors by being a complete Irish stereotype. His email is [email protected] because there were no other Noels before him. His ex-wife got the good half of his bio in the divorce settlement.

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