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Onward Stats: Saturday Night At Canyon Pizza

At least once in your Penn State drunk-pizza career, you’ve likely drunkenly wondered, “Woah, I wonder how many slices of pizza Canyon goes through in a night!” I’ve wondered that very same thing, and decided the only way to find out would be a good old-fashioned journalistic stakeout.

As it turns out, I love journalistic stakeouts — this wasn’t my first. So on Saturday night, I spent two and a half very sober hours sitting outside Canyon Pizza. Taking a page from the world of prop bets and the colophon of my high school yearbook, I relentlessly tally-marked some of the most interesting statistics. The result is this report — full of statistics that you didn’t know you wanted to know, but you will be so happy you know now.

canyon statistics

1,094 tally marks later, here are some of the most interesting statistics from a Saturday night at Canyon Pizza:

Cups of ranch: 114

LionCash swipes: 6

Whole pizzas: 35

Gongs: 35

White loops that passed: 22

Deliveries: 9

People who tried to enter through the exit: 11

Sodas: 42 (Most popular: Dr. Pepper, 10)

Girls who blotted the grease off their pizza: 2 (obviously they weren’t that drunk)

People who took an Uber TO Canyon: 5

Man buns: 7

“It’s My Birthday” sashes: 3

Phyrst “Twenty Phyrst Birthday” hats: 2

Girls who took their shoes off: 3

Glow stick-clad customers: 5

Lanyards: 4

Convocation shirts: somehow, only one…they’re learning.

People who drunkenly interacted with us: 20

Number of those people who asked me if I was doing homework: 7

People who brought Natty Light into Canyon via their bloodstreams: probably 85 percent.

People who brought Natty Light into Canyon via an open can, in their hands: 1

Guys giving each other back rubs: 2

Back-rubbing guys who knew each other: 0

Slices paid for with money a girl pulled out from her bra: 1

Girls whose 5-inch heels caused drunk stumbling into the street: 1, which was waayyy less than I thought it would be

Number of squats: 4

RAs of mine that I saw: 1! I only have 1 RA! But, of course, he was there!

And, of course, the most interesting statistic of all…


In case you were wondering, considering I took stats for two and a half hours, that’s 4.97 slices every minute and 93.25 whole pizzas throughout the time span. In the words of one of the girls who sat next to us at some point during the night, “Imagine how many pounds of pizza that is — it’d be like a pizza monster!”

Bonus: here’s a playlist of the songs played during our stay.

God bless the employees at Canyon Pizza (“I’d rather be a hobo than work at Canyon Pizza,” one particularly drunk girl so eloquently mused). God bless you degenerates who made the night so interesting. God, please do not bless the sober slice I ate at 2:30 a.m.

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About the Author

Lexi Shimkonis

Lexi is an editor-turned-staff writer who can often be found at either Irving's or the Phyrst (with the chances she'll have her backpack being the same). Lexi is a senior hailing from Spring City, PA (kind of) and studying Civil Engineering. Please email questions and/or pleas for an Instagram caption to [email protected], or for a more intimate bond, follow her on Twitter @lexshimko.

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