Russia Hires Penn State Housing to Design Gulag Camps

With an expertise on jail cell-like housing features, the Russians have called on Penn State to help design their new Gulag prison system.

“When we saw photos of the inside of East Halls, we knew Penn State was just the people for the job,” Russian President Vladimir Putin said. “We contacted Housing and Food Services to give us the original blue prints to East Halls and they were extremely accommodating. We’re excited to get going with our new prison system.”

“Thank you, Penn State, for giving us a model of where our most deranged can live.”

The Gulags, which were labor camps in the Soviet Union used mainly during the Stalin era, have quite a few similarities with the Penn State dorms, according to one of the Housing and Food Services contractors being paid by the Kremlin.

“Easiest consulting I’ve ever done,” the Housing and Food Services employee said. “We just went back and found the blueprints for East Halls, made a few tweaks, and sent it off to the Russians. Our small, cement living options were perfect for Putin’s needs.”

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Steve Connelly

Steve Connelly is a junior majoring in PR and an editor for Onward State. He is a proud native of the state of New Jersey, and yes, he is literal trash. He is a soccer fan, nap enthusiast, and chicken tender connoisseur. He tried to be a photographer once, but the only good thing that came out of it is a name for his future sports bar, The Blurry Zamboni. You can follow him on Twitter @slc2o (feel free to slide) and email him at [email protected]


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