Source: Mike ‘The Mailman’ Was Sad Once
On the day of Mike ‘The Mailman” Herr’s high profile retirement, Onward State received an anonymous tip describing what can be only be characterized as a travesty. The tipster detailed a moment in time when Mike the Mailman was sad.
“One time, approximately 17 years ago, Mike the Mailman was sad,” the source, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “I saw it with my own two eyes. He was sitting there on his chair, and for one passing second, he was just….sad.”
Do his lips even turn into a frown? The tip seemed so far-fetched that we knew we had to go to the man himself.
Onward State: Hey, Mr. Herr, thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
Mike Herr: Hello, Onward State. Glad to be here speaking with you!
OS: Alright, Mike. This may be tough, but we must proceed. We were contacted with an anonymous tip that someone once saw you sad. We understand this is an extreme allegation, but we had to get to the bottom of it. Have you experienced this alleged emotion?
MH: Why, yes. I am a human and therefore have every human emotion. I have been sad many times in my life, I just would rather be happy!
OS: So you’re confirming that you have, in fact, been sad?
MH: Yes! You see, I am retiring today from one of the greatest jobs ever. While it is time for me to leave, I’m sad that the day is finally here. I’ve been sad before today too, but I try my best to be happy whenever I can. I don’t see what the big deal is.
OS: You’re sure it was sadness? You didn’t just smell something funky or have to pass gas?
MH: No, it’s very true indeed!
MH: I suppose so.
There you have it, folks: we unfortunately regret to confirm that Mike the Mailman has experienced sadness. We’re so sorry for shattering the illusion.
(Happy retirement, Mike!)
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Though the Judicial Board has final say on the timing of implementing all policy changes, it is expected the changes will take effect for the 14th Assembly if approved.
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