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Spring Flavors We’d Like To See At The Creamery

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

Penn State’s Berkey Creamery is closed due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, but spring is here and what better comfort food to order online and indulge yourself with than ice cream? After all, while the store is closed, the Creamery is still selling its products online.

We’ve put out our picks for fall flavors we want to see, so now, here are our picks for spring flavors we’d like to see the Creamery add to its seemingly endless variety.

Andy Mollenauer: Pollen

Yes, pollen. Yellow is such a pretty spring color, but this pesky allergen also comes in red, purple, white, and even brown. While catching allergies from ice cream sounds pretty awful, it’s allergy season anyway, so we’re all going to get the sniffles and sneezes sooner or later these next few months. If you think that’s gross, I’ve tried jalapeño-flavored sorbet at a restaurant in D.C., so if someone can get away with making something that ghastly, surely pollen ice cream will fly.

Meredith Lea: Agriculture “Breeze”

Once an ag school, always an ag school at heart.

This flavor is inspired by the reek of fresh manure on campus because nothing says “spring” like the smell of mulch wafting through campus.

Mikey Mandarino: Claritin D

The beginning of spring marks the start of warmer, longer days, and that makes everybody happy. You know what doesn’t make everybody happy? Seasonal allergies. As a long-suffering victim of allergies, I can’t even begin to count the number of times my sinuses have just decided to stop functioning properly just because there’s pollen in the air and I just so happen to have crappy genes.

To celebrate the beginning of spring, I think the Creamery should create a Claritin D flavor to help out those of us who get tortured with stuffy noses and watery eyes all spring. Sure, Claritin D isn’t exactly known for its taste, but it definitely helps me and thousands of other allergy sufferers feel a lot better every day. Plus, I’d spend every single day at the Creamery if I could enjoy some delicious ice cream AND combat my allergies at the same time. I know Claritin doesn’t work for everybody, so the Creamery should also roll out Zyrtec and Allegra flavors for people who take those regularly. Ice cream that helps treat my allergies would also save me quite a few trips to CVS, so the ball’s in your court, Creamery.

Anthony Colucci: Acid Rain

April is known for its showers, and thanks to pollution, those showers often have low pHs and are damaging to forests and lakes (Tim Robinson, King of EGEE 102, stand up!).

Ice cream flavored like this is what we deserve for using the styrofoam cups in which it’s served.

Alysa Rubin: Daylight Savings Time Crunch

Ever have that feeling of dread when you wake up and realize your clock moved forward an hour? Daylight savings is an important reminder that it’s spring time, so why not encapsulate it’s importance annoyance with an ice cream flavor? With a delectable strawberry base and lots of ~crunch~ in between, it’ll be sure to bring you back to that “oh shit” moment when you realize you’re late to your class.

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Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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