Happy Festivus, Penn State! It’s finally the most wonderful time of the year, which means it’s finally time to celebrate everyone’s favorite holiday.

For the uninformed, Festivus takes place every year on December 23. The holiday features an aluminum pole instead of a tree, the “Airing Of Grievances,” and even a few Festivus miracles if you’re lucky.

Customarily, Festivus doesn’t end until the head of the household is defeated in the “Feats Of Strength,” which is basically a post-feast wrestling match. At Penn State, one could say that President Eric Barron is the head of our household.

Naturally, we got to wondering whether or not a few Penn State icons could defeat Barron in a customary Festivus battle.

Bo Nickal

Had to start easy here. Yes, Bo Nickal could beat Barron in a wrestling match. Nickal is an NCAA champion, while Barron is nearly 70 years old and well past his athletic prime. You can go ahead assume every Penn State student-athlete could pin Barron because, well, that’s What We Do!

The Willard Preacher

No, I don’t think the Willard Preacher could beat Barron in a strength competition. As a religious man, I doubt he would like to get into any sort of physical fight, especially just days before Christmas. A verbal fight would be a different story, as every Penn State student knows by now.

The Nittany Lion

Sorry, President Barron, but the Nittany Lion is just too strong. The Lion would for sure beat Barron in a match if he were challenged. We’ve all seen those one-armed push-ups — the Lion has unmatched strength and athletic prowess.

Sandy Barbour

I don’t think Sandy Barbour wouldn’t be able to beat Barron in a strength competition because she would let him win. After a tough football season and some pandemic-related revenue loss, Barbour might not want to assault her superior. I actually think it would be a pretty close fight if Barbour were to give it her all, but something tells me she’d let Barron pull ahead.

Hot UPS Guy

I honestly think Barron could beat the hot UPS guy in a wrestling match. All the buzz and attention he’s been getting from local folks and seemingly all of TikTok probably makes him overestimate his ability. Barron could be a sneaky good fighter, so I think he might be able to take down State College’s UPS icon.

Sneezy The Squirrel

Forget about it, Barron would stand no chance against Sneezy the Squirrel. Sneezy and the rest of Penn State’s squirrels are truly fearless and they’ll do anything for food. If that involves beating the university president in the Feats Of Strength to end Festivus, so be it. Once those claws dig in, it’s all over.