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Which Totally Real Penn State Stocks Should You Invest In?

The stock market has been a hot topic over the past few days thanks to surprising upticks in value for “downward-trending” companies like GameStop and AMC Theaters at the hands of witty Reddit users. Because of this surge, several lucky investors were able to pull in thousands of dollars over the course of two days.

To help you get ahead of the curve, we’ve compiled some of our predictions for Penn State-related stocks that could see a similar spike in value soon. The potential (fingers crossed) end of the COVID-19 pandemic in the future should help several businesses to return to full strength.

Disclaimer: Investing is an inherently risky activity. Onward State is not registered with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) or any other security regulation authority. The contents of this post are entirely satirical and are not offering any investment advice, which we are not qualified to provide.

Berkey Creamery ($BC)

Like most businesses and restaurants, the historic Penn State Berkey Creamery has seen part of its revenue source cut due to restrictions from the current pandemic. The Creamery has needed to settle for curbside-pickups, meaning visitors in Happy Valley can’t have the proper dine-in experience.

Luckily for the Creamery, it’s directly owned by Penn State itself, meaning that its funds are funneled straight from the university. Since Penn State has been so kind as to offer online classes at full-price tuition, it should be expected that the Berkey Creamery will receive a bailout from Penn State to keep the legendary ice cream shop afloat.

Hanesbrands, Inc. ($HBI)

Penn State students have been taking mostly online classes the past ten months, leaving our beloved Willard Preacher a bit lonely during his weekday afternoons. The lack of students walking between classes has kept him at home rather than braving the winter months preaching to Penn Staters.

Once in-person classes resume on February 15, we can expect to see Cattell back at his usual stomping grounds outside Willard while wearing his signature red Champion hoodie. As a result, Champion’s parent company, Hanesbrands Inc, should see a significant spike in value.

CATABus Services ($CATA)

This one should be fairly obvious. CATABUS loops have not been running at full operation since the pandemic began back in March 2020. Students have been the main passengers for CATA, and the lack of in-person classes almost completely removes the transportation service’s main consumers.

In addition, restrictions put in place due to the pandemic prevent large gatherings of people within small spaces. This means White Loop wouldn’t be able to cram their usual 80-plus passengers into one bus after stopping at East Halls at 9 a.m.

Even though CATA has been following a downward trend in value, we expect to see a huge rebound once the pandemic ends and State College is back to its normal routine. It could be quite a long time until we actually start to see this rebound in value, so please be patient so you can fully capitalize down the line.

HUB Lawn ($HUBL)

For this pick, we’re going with a slightly more obscure choice. Most would say that the HUB itself should be considered for a post-pandemic rebound, and they would be right! All of the restaurants and businesses inside the HUB have seen limited business in recent times, and that will surely change once things return to normal. But this is a bit too obvious to really cash in on.

What many are overlooking is the rebound that the HUB Lawn will see in the future. During normal times, the HUB Lawn is one of the liveliest places on campus, being the home of many Frisbee players and picnic eaters. Nowadays, the HUB Lawn is largely barren compared to the past.

Most people are following the stay-at-home orders, but if they do choose to go out, they are required to wear a mask and social distance. In all likelihood, this has turned off the HUB Lawn’s typical visitors. Since this potential rebound in stock value has gone largely overlooked by other investors, we believe taking a chance on the HUB Lawn could land you an even greater profit.

East Halls ($EAST)

Like most things at Penn State, East Halls has been deserted during the university’s remote period. Since the popular freshman housing choice is typically the social hub of on-campus housing, its stock must be severely undervalued right now.

Toss a couple of bucks toward $EAST and that will easily grow and grow once freshman come back on campus in February. Plus, if campus is fully open next fall, you’ll have a real valuable #stonk on your hand.

Jahan Dotson ($DTSN)

Penn State football receiver Jahan Dotson’s price surely went up after a monster 2020 season, but you can count on him to come out swinging in 2021. Dotson and Ohio State’s Chris Olave will likely go tit-for-tat to see who’s the best receiver in the Big Ten.

You might think Dotson might be a tad overvalued after such a lucrative season, but we think he’s just getting started. If Dotson goes on to have success in the NFL as well, forget about it!

Sheck Wes’s ‘Mo Bamba’ ($BMBA)

Everyone’s favorite pump-up song made its way back to Beaver Stadium this fall, but only cardboard cutouts were there to scream out the triumphant chorus. Whenever Penn State football gets a stadium full of fans again, you can be sure the first Mo Bamba might be a little bit like the 2019 White Out game.

Onward State ($OS)

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About the Author

Richard Smeltzer

Richard is a Penn State alumnus who majored in applied statistics. He is originally from York, Pennsylvania, and spent his first two years of college at Penn State York. Being from a family filled with Penn State alumni, he has been deeply ingrained in the culture. Growing up a Baltimore Orioles and Miami Dolphins fan, he has experienced many hardships throughout his life. You can find him screaming into the void about these teams, and much more, on Twitter @SecretRichardS. He can also be reached at [email protected].

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