Get a load of deez nuts, Penn State.

Dear Mr. Peanut,

Although I am sure you are very busy hiding from squirrels and sending children into anaphylactic shock, I want to request from the bottom of my heart that you take a break from your nutty endeavors and visit us here in Happy Valley.

The Wienermobile already made a stop in State College last year, and it’s here again for round two. Do you really want to get shown up by a giant weenie? That would be incredibly embarrassing for you, sir.

I took a look at your Nut Tracker — it appears you’ll be in Dayton, Ohio on February 22. That’s only one state over from Pennsylvania, and hasn’t anyone ever told you that Ohio is a shithole? Let me tell you, Happy Valley is the perfect place to relax and unwind after the trauma of spending a weekend with the Buckeyes.

Also, if you have enough time to tweet stuff like this, then you have enough time to make a quick stop to visit the Nittany Lions.

Sometimes I think I’m classy and then I see a Clydesdale horse.

— Mr. Peanut (@MrPeanut) February 8, 2021

And this.

Cashews are the only nut that can make you feel underdressed in your home.

— Mr. Peanut (@MrPeanut) November 9, 2020

I also hear that you’re looking for public relations students to join you on your road trip after graduation. What better place to look for talented communications students than Donald P. Bellisario College of Communications? After all, it is the largest accredited mass communications program in the nation. If you skip out on this incredible opportunity, you’re nuts.

C’mon, Mr. Peanut, come out of your shell and take a trip to Happy Valley. If you don’t come, I’ll be saltier than your nuts. But if you do grace Penn State with your presence, I’ll bust a fat nut — and I’m sure plenty of other students will, too.

From Happy Valley with love,

Grace