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Penn State Coaches Sign Lucrative Deals With Rogaine

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

Three Penn State head coaches signed sponsorship deals with Rogaine on Thursday. James Franklin, Micah Shrewsberry, and Cael Sanderson each inked their official contracts, which are estimated to be worth over $10 million apiece.

The deal comes following several complaints from fans who have attended Penn State football games and wrestling matches.

Students and alumni created a Change.org petition demanding that something be done after their views were obstructed due to the glares coming off of Franklin and Sanderson’s heads.

The hiring of new Men’s Basketball Head Coach Micah Shrewsberry brought the movement to the forefront this past week, as fans worried that they would soon encounter these problems at the Bryce Jordan Center, too.

“I don’t like wearing hats, and I simply never will,” Sanderson told Onward State. “This deal seems like a good compromise so that the fans can enjoy the game without having to wear sunglasses, and I get $10 million.”

“Just like Penn State Basketball, I want my hair to have an underdog mentality and come back in the second half,” Shrewsberry said.

The contracts state that all three head coaches will begin using Rogaine’s medicated hair regrowth foam immediately. Each coach can potentially earn up to a $50,000 incentive for each inch of new hair grown.

Franklin’s deal offers his own incentives though, as he is expected to earn $5,000 for every sponsored tweet he posts and every time he mentions the brand at a press conference.

“Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine, Rogaine,” Franklin said at his morning press conference. “You know, the average human head has over 100,000 hairs on it, and that’s what we are building toward. #107kStrong.”

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About the Author

Jordan Mansberger

Jordan Mansberger is a junior at Penn State majoring in Broadcast Journalism. He is from Cassville, Pennsylvania. He is a huge Pittsburgh sports fan as well as his Denver Nuggets. When he's not working, he can be found instigating Twitter beef with Padres fans and Antonio Brown or practicing his sub-par golf game.

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