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Drunk, Sober, High: Hot Wheels Monster Trucks Live

There’s nothing quite like a monster truck rally to kill time on a rainy Saturday.

Hot Wheels Monster Trucks Live came to town for three shows in the Bryce Jordan Center this weekend, all a year and a half after they were originally scheduled thanks to some pandemic-fueled delays. To celebrate, three of our staffers willingly got drunk, high, or stayed sober for the event, because such a momentous occasion deserves to be enjoyed in a variety of states.

Here are their recollections from the event:

Drunk

At first, I was like, “Why did I sign up for this?” But after six shots of tequila at noon, I was pumped for some monster trucks.

I walked into the Bryce Jordan Center with Sober and knew that I needed to shape up before entering the arena. I’ve never been kicked out of a bar, let alone an arena, and I wasn’t going to start here. Thankfully, we got past security with no problems and went to find High.

High was…very high, and Sober was already annoyed at the noise and fumes inside the arena. Honestly, I was just happy to be here. I had no idea where we were going or what we were doing, but I stumbled behind Sober and High to find our seats. I was so excited to see a merchandise stand, but I could not justify spending $20 on a Hot Wheels flag.

The first competition we watched was the donut competition, and man, my spins did not agree with that. Those trucks were whipping around so fast I thought I was the one moving. Thankfully, the truck named “Bone Shaker” won, and I was riding with him until the end. Something about the name sounded inappropriate to me, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Importantly, the donut lines made a penis.

I know this town is more than just college students, but I was shocked at how many children were around me. This couple had an infant with them, and a bunch of 7-year-olds filled our section. I was feeling perceived, especially because I definitely smelled like tequila. Look the other way, kids.

Next was the long jump competition, and I was still questioning my right to be here. The trucks lined up and see who could jump the furthest. The green one went really high up, and I started screaming because I thought it was going to flip over. But then I remembered that these are MONSTER TRUCKS, and nothing could defeat them. Of course, Bone Shaker won, and I was living for it.

Sober didn’t like the smells or noise, but I wasn’t fazed. It’s like when you go into the frat bathroom and know it’s bad but you’re having too much fun to care. High was cheering with me after every truck completed the events, but neither of us knew what was going on. I had the urge to drive one of the trucks, but I was not going to risk a DUI. I’m picturing myself doing donuts now.

After Sober bullied us into leaving, I really felt a bond with Bone Shaker. He won the first three competitions, and I love a winner (HMU)!

Sober

Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect from the monster trucks show. It ended up being a very interesting experience.

Upon walking into the Bryce Jordan Center, I immediately noticed the fumes coming from the monster trucks while I was still in the concourse. To give you all an idea of what it smelled like, it was like filling up your car with gas at a gas station and putting your face right up to the gas hose and breathing it in. The smell got only worse once we got to our seats.

We sat down right at the beginning of the donut competition, which is when the trucks would do donuts and get scored by a group of judges. Of course, I didn’t have any earplugs on me, but I should have because it was loud in the Bryce Jordan Center. I tried to have a pleasant conversation with Drunk and High, but I literally could not hear them over the noise from the trucks. There was a baby who had to have been less than 6 months old sitting almost directly in front of us. All I kept thinking throughout the entire event was, “This poor child may not come out of here with his eardrums intact.”

I didn’t know any drivers when the donut competition started, but High and Drunk noted that the first truck up was Bone Shaker, so I decided to roll with him as my favorite. He ended up winning the donut competition after tearing up the bare floor of the Bryce Jordan Center. The drivers who followed didn’t have the tenacity that Bone Shaker showed in the competition. Also, it was by far the coolest truck.

The last event was the long jump competition. Each truck had to jump over about six crushed cars, and the longest jump won. After Bone Shaker annihilated the field with his jump, the fumes got the best of me, and I decided that it was time to go.

Looking back, I did not have as much fun as Drunk and High. The only way I could have enjoyed this event was if I was under the influence of something.

High

I was really excited to go to this Monster Truck event because I never experienced anything like it before. Plus, if I am given any reason to get high for something, I’m going to do it. 

I was the first one to get to the BJC, and once I walked in, I felt like Buddy the Elf when he was in New York City for the first time. However, I could hear the roars of the crowd, so I desperately wanted to get in on all the fun. 

I eventually got to my seat, but it was loud. I thought my eardrums were about to burst, so I ventured back to the main lobby of the BJC. I eventually found a nice gentleman working for guest services, and he gave me an extra set of earplugs that came in clutch. 

After I took a quick potty break, I found Drunk and Sober before we went to our section and enjoyed the show. The first event we saw was a donut competition between all the monster trucks. I was really confused about the scoring system. Who decides the points? Regardless, it was a great competition, and as a bonus, the tire marks on the floor closely resembled a penis. I had a good laugh about that. 

While they were setting up for the next challenge, a host was going around the stands asking questions about the monster truck’s names. I didn’t know there were names so naturally, I had to find someone to root for. Drunk was loving Bone Shaker, but Tiger Shark’s truck looked so cool, so I stuck with him. 

I tried to converse with Sober, but it was way too loud, so I just decided to soak up all the vibes in the room. I noticed that the average age was maybe seven years old, and there was a baby? Why would someone bring a baby to this? Also, all the fumes started to fill up the arena, and it felt like Snoop was just hot-boxing this event.

The last event we saw was a long jump, and my man Tiger Shark failed horrendously. I was highly disappointed in that. Sober seemed to have enough of the event and was ready to go. Honestly, great call but I was hoping to see a bounce-back performance from my dude, Tiger Shark. I hope he’s still doing well. 

Overall, I had a great time at the Hot Wheels Monster Truck event. I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into, but I am glad I did it. I would 100% go again, but definitely not sober.

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Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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