PSU news by
Penn State's student blog

Topics

More

Eric Barron Reverses Retirement After Hearing Neeli Bendapudi Wants COVID-19 Vaccine Mandate

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

We Are…never going to require the COVID-19 vaccine.

Penn State President Eric Barron is reportedly canceling his plans to retire after learning his successor, Neeli Bendapudi, plans to require COVID-19 vaccines for students and employees once she takes office.

“Once I heard that Tom Brady was canceling his NFL retirement, I realized that I could do it, too,” Barron told Onward State. “That’s why people call us ‘the G.O.A.T.'”

Onward State staffers overheard Barron and Bendapudi arguing about the president-elect’s plans at Gaffeoke last Wednesday. We initially knew something was up when Bendapudi took the stage and sang “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees while staring directly into Barron’s eyes. In response, Barron hopped on the mic for a rendition of “Live Your Life” by T.I. and Rihanna.

After one too many Gaff pitchers, Barron said, “There’s only room for one of us in this town, Nervous Neeli.”

While Barron finalizes his future plans, Bendapudi was seen reposting an old passive-aggressive Donald Trump Facebook post about the presidential election. It was quickly deleted, but it looked a lot like this.

Interestingly, Bendapudi did not require the COVID-19 vaccine for students or employees during her time at the University of Louisville. However, she says skirting around requirements — especially through the use of raffles and other incentives for vaccinated students and employees — was part of the long con.

“I finessed the system,” Bendapudi told Onward State. “I knew I wanted to end up in Happy Valley and require Penn Staters to get the jab, but I would’ve been filtered out in the hiring process if they knew my real intentions.”

In the coming weeks, we’ll see if Barron can reverse his retirement and stand up yet again for the anti-vaxxers freedom.

Your ad blocker is on.

Please choose an option below.

Sign up for our e-mail newsletter:
OR
Support quality journalism:
Purchase a Subscription!

About the Author

Colleen Nersten

Colleen is a junior biology major from York, Pa and is one of Onward State's associate editors. She overuses the ~tilde~ and aspires to be no other than the great Guy Fieri. You can find Colleen filling up her gas tank at Rutter’s, the ~superior~ Pennsylvania gas station. Please direct any questions or concerns to [email protected] For the hijinks, always.

State College Links
Follow on Another Platform
113kFollowers
157kFollowers
54.9kFollowers
4,570Subscribers
Other posts by Colleen

Students Against Sexist Violence To Host ‘March For Abortion Rights’ June 24

The rally will begin at 7 p.m. at the Allen Street Gates in response to the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Tussey Mountain WingFest To Kick Off June 23

Happy Valley Restaurant Week To Begin June 20

State Representative Introduces Amendment To Require Penn State To Report Location Of Joe Paterno Statue

If ratified, the amendment would require Penn State to disclose the statue’s location and condition to the general public.

State Representative Introduces Amendment To Require Penn State To Report Location Of Joe Paterno Statue

If ratified, the amendment would require Penn State to disclose the statue’s location and condition to the general public.

Penn State Football Announces New Jersey Numbers For 2022 Season

Nittany Lions old and new have received new jersey numbers ahead of the 2022 season.

Penn State Athletes & Designs We Want To See On Trading Cards

We think Nittany Lions like Makenna Marisa and Parker Washington are more than deserving of their own trading cards.

 
Send this to a friend