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Staff Picks: Replacing Campus Squirrels With Different Animals

The squirrels are everywhere.

Day and night, anywhere on campus, there is a fuzzy little ball of mischief within a few feet of you. However, it’s not just about the number of squirrels on campus. The Penn State squirrels are not your typical ones. They don’t care about anything or anyone.

Kind of like a drunk student on a Friday night, squirrels do whatever they want on the hunt for some nuts. It’s crazy how close the squirrels on campus get to you. There used to be a girl who legit hung out with the squirrels.

Sure, the squirrels are great. They’re campus icons at this point. However, we got to thinking…

What if the squirrels on campus were replaced with a different animal? Whatever the animal, there would be the same amount and have the same attitude as the squirrels on campus currently do. If we could choose a replacement for the squirrels, here is what some of our staffers would pick.

Nolan Wick: Howler Monkeys

Howler monkeys would be an interesting fit for this campus. Imagine walking to class, seeing them run across Old Main, and hearing them relentlessly howl at each other up in the trees 24/7. Plus, they’d make Beaver Stadium even louder on gamedays.

Mackenzie Bruns: Prairie Dogs

I would for sure choose prairie dogs because they fit Penn States’ vibe. First, they always stick around in small groups, which perfectly describes the cult culture of Penn State. No matter where you go, there’s always someone that has a connection to Penn State. As a member of the squirrel family, prairie dogs would hold pretty well to the squirrel’s reputation. I would much rather have a prairie dog follow me than a squirrel attack my feet!

Mikey DeAngelis: Golden Retrievers

College can be hard sometimes, and I think many college students would agree with me when I say that seeing a dog on campus is often a little moment of joy to distract you from the fact that you’re walking to the Pollock Testing Center. Now, imagine if all around campus there were hundreds of Golden Retrievers, like the squirrels. I’d never be unhappy again. I’d also go to class again since I’d spend all day hanging out with my new friends.

Rico Gore: Hippos

If we are being honest, I just Googled the most dangerous animals and picked my favorite one. Here’s the thing — Penn State over-admitted students this year and we are probably over capacity. As such, I feel that if we introduce a couple of hundred hippos on campus, we might bring that number down. We truly would end up with the cream of the crop students-wise, as only the strongest and smartest will stick around on a campus where you have to evade hippos in order to attend your public speaking class. Imagine the thrill. It would definitely make my day just a bit more exciting.

Jack Scott: Ferrets

Ferrets around campus would be entertaining as hell. They would be doing snakey things, and they’re cuter than squirrels, in my opinion. They’re like the wiener dogs of rodents, and everyone likes wiener dogs.

Gracie Mullan: Gorillas

I feel like gorillas walking around campus would be really cool. If someone creepy was following you, you could just lead the person to a gorilla, and hopefully, they’d beat them up. I think there’d be a lot of human-monkey matchups.

Anna Wiggins: Rats

I may be in the minority here, but I think rats are cute.

Now, would I want to find one in my apartment? No. No, thanks. However, seeing them frolic on the way to my class? Yes, please. In fact, I think I would drop to my knees and squeal.

Imagine a bunch of fat, fluffy rats bouncing around on Pattee Mall in the winter. Imagine a bunch of rats patrolling the grounds on a warm day.

Plus, you can pretend you’re a french medieval peasant with a basket of laundry on your hip and medieval Paris (a.k.a. Happy Valley) is overrun with rats because you’re living during the Black Death.

Dana Nunemacher: Cows

As the farmer’s high school, it seems only fitting for us to need more cows on campus. Having a bad day? Imagine finding a tiny cow on campus to pet. Even if you are having a good day, you can celebrate with one of the tiny moo’s. These are the tiny therapy animals we need. Plus, with the cow population going up so much, the Creamery can expect milk production to go through the roof.

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Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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