College students are famous for ignoring their basic needs, but their thirst is one that will eventually win out. This is especially true at THON 2023, where nothing exists outside of the Bryce Jordan Center and primal instincts are taking over. The water fountain lines, especially at high-volume hours, are just absurd.

Fill up a water bottle (or three) and read up on some of our more notorious local endurance tests.

The Line For Taylor Swift Night At Champs

The Swifties among us know this promotion “All Too Well.” Champs knew what it was doing when it created a night tailor-made for college students, and it swiftly became a mainstay at the most popular bar on campus. If you’re feeling “22,” you’ve probably got some fond memories from being in this line.

Sean Clifford’s Tenure At Penn State

Sean Clifford is a man of many talents. To this day, he hasn’t given a straight answer about how he managed to build Stonehenge.

Wikipedia would tell you that Clifford joined Penn State’s football team in 2017, but who trusts Wikipedia? He redshirted under Hugo Bezdek in 1920 and spent the last century watching, observing, and waiting for his chance. Now, he holds Penn State’s all-time passing yards record and runs a successful NIL company. We love our retirees!

The Wait For Penn State’s Next National Championship

We’ve got some bad news for the alumni reading this article: 1986 was a long time ago. While it’s been a hot minute since Penn State was contending for a national title, the future is bright! Penn State is fresh off of a Rose Bowl win, and we’re only one year away from a 12-team College Football Playoff. In Drew Allar we trust.

The Willard Preacher’s Sermons

It wouldn’t be an Onward State article without a slightly forced mention of a campus mainstay. Gary has been here so long that he’s the only person who can tell you about Sean Clifford’s debut. If you ever need someone to talk to, he’s available outside of Willard from dawn ’til dusk. You can question Gary’s sanity but never his commitment.

The Walk Up Shortlidge Road

Shortlidge is a familiar, daily nightmare for many of us. It is, quite literally, an uphill battle to walk to class every day. Just like in the Bryce Jordan Center, seconds can feel like hours, and time has no meaning. Also, your knees hurt.

The Distance From Toftrees To Campus

Nearly every student has trekked Shortlidge before, but far fewer are familiar with Penn State’s off-campus apartments. You need to ride a CATA Bus to get to Toftrees, unless you’re willing to walk alongside the highway. Just to be clear, the author definitely doesn’t live there and didn’t do that at 2 a.m. one time.

The Adjacent Line For THON Merch

There are few things as important as water, but THON merch seems to be one of them. Who could turn down the chance to buy their very own THON beanie or sweatshirt? FTK!