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Penn State To Introduce Female Cocktagons During 2023 Football Season

Women’s History Month may be over, but the wins just keep on coming for the Penn State gals.

After considerable discussion on social media surrounding the lack of cocktagons for female students, multi-person porta-potties for the ladies will finally make their way to the tailgate lots ahead of the 2023 football season, Penn State announced on Friday.

Although a name isn’t official just yet, “pustagon” is already gaining traction on social media. In contrast to the traditional blue cocktagons, pustagons will be hot pink, making them easy to spot after having a few too many White Claws.

After years of being deprived of their sacred time in the girls’ room during tailgates, Penn State students are over the moon about this decision.

“I can’t believe it,” said senior Colleen Nersten. “It hurt every time I saw my boyfriend head into the cocktagon with his buddies, knowing I didn’t have the same privilege. I’m so proud to attend a university that really cares about its students and makes impactful changes like this one.”

Other students are just excited to have a safe place to talk shit with their friends.

“Thank god, honestly,” said junior Anna Wiggins. “I’m sick and tired of being hit on by creepy men while I’m waiting in line for the porta-potty. Us girls needed a place of our own to get away from our guy friends and take gameday selfies.”

Penn State’s Days For Girls club has already announced its support for the landmark decision. The organization plans to further its mission of making period products accessible to all menstruators by stocking pustagons with free tampons and pads.

Pustagons will be fully stocked and ready to go for Penn State football’s season opener against West Virginia on Saturday, September 2.

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.

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About the Author

Grace Cunningham

Grace was Onward State’s social media manager once upon a time. She was also the host of Onward State's podcast. You should google "Podward State Wienermobile" for a good laugh. Nowadays, Grace is a copywriter or something. You can reach her at [email protected], although she doesn't know why you would want to.

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