Gritty, not pretty.

Penn State football defeated Alaska-Anchorage 24-21 on a walk-off field goal in the snowy, freezing weather at Alaska Stadium this afternoon. While plenty contributed to the victory, nothing was more impactful than Penn State’s running game.

Two out of Penn State’s three touchdowns came via the ground. At the end of the day, the Nittany Lions ended up with 532 rushing yards, which left James Franklin satisfied with the performance after the game amid the weather, but he didn’t think he was going to lose because the stakes simply weren’t big enough to his liking.

“Obviously, we won the weather battle,” he said. “We felt that using as many players as we did to run the ball was a very effective strategy that ended up benefitting us in a big way. To be honest, though, that sorry-ass team was never going to beat us anyway. The game wasn’t big enough for me to lose.”

Franklin pivoted to Beau Pribula in the second half after incumbent Drew Allar went down with a frostbite injury. The York, Pennsylvania, native ran all over the place, as his play style is more mobile.

Pribula was as efficient as anyone with a passing touchdown to Tyler Warren and nearly a whopping 200 rushing yards. Pribula walked away from the game feeling confident in his chances to take over the starting job in the fall.

“I was so much better than Drew,” Pribula said. “That guy sucks. He won’t fit in [Andy] Kotelnicki’s scheme. I’ve always been the better option and with a head coach who was a competent football guy, I’d be starting by now.”

Talking about Pribula’s performance is only the tip of the iceberg. Penn State’s running back trio was all over the field, running the ball down the Seawolves’ throats all game.

Allen led all running backs with 178 rushing yards. He ran mercilessly and angrily all over the field, which made the day a long one for the Seawolves’ defense. His massive run in the first half had Gus Johnson jumping and screaming in the press box during FOX’s broadcast of the game.

“I did that well, for real,” Allen said. “I don’t care what y’all think. I’m the best back the world has ever seen.”

Allen talked about possibly jumping into the transfer portal and exploring what he could get. Today’s performance solidifies his status as an elite college running back.

“Technically I could enter the portal and be a big-name back, for real. But I’m Kaytron, feel me? When people try to hit me, they gon’ feel me, for real,” Allen said.

Singleton, on the other hand, was just as effective. Singleton rushed for 154 rushing yards and a touchdown as his explosiveness was on full display.

“I still think I’m better than Kaytron,” Singleton said. “He shouldn’t be the top running back. I’m the Pennsylvania native, not him. I went to Governor Mifflin, not him. I’m him.”

Singleton had a tendency to break loose, as did Allen. Either way, breaking loose wasn’t something they frequently did under previous offensive coordinator Mike Yurcich. Now, they couldn’t be more relieved.

“That guy was so bad at his job,” Singleton said. “I genuinely do not understand how coach Franklin was dumb enough to hire him and keep him around for as long as he did. I hope he enjoys his new job working at Burger King. Honestly, I think coach Franklin might be joining him soon if he doesn’t make the College Football Playoff.”

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.