Over the weekend, Penn State President Neeli Bendapudi’s daily schedule was made available on the official Penn State website. Within a few minutes, the schedule was gone, but Onward State caught a glimpse of Bendapudi’s day-to-day activities.

Let’s break it down and find out what the Penn State community is really getting for that $950,000 salary (which breaks down to about $2,600 daily, by the way).

Morning

8 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. — Meeting With Jay Paterno (The Waffle Shop)

Gotta keep the Board of Trustees happy, right? You never know when you’ll need them on your good side.

9:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. — Denying Student Media Interview Requests

Yeah, this one checks. Bendapudi is notoriously hard to get in contact with. Though she did a slew of interviews after she arrived at Penn State, including a 10 Questions with Onward State, it’s pretty common to be left hanging by Bendapudi and her office these days.

With such a high volume of media outlets vying for her attention, it’s not surprising that it’s going to take her so long to delete these emails.

10:30 a.m. to Noon — Visiting The Grandkids

We all know that Bendapudi is close with her family, especially her grandkids. In fact, she was so enthusiastic about the birth of her grandson that she had to skip out on THON this year. We get it, family is more important than the huge university you lead that’s home to the world’s largest student-run philanthropy.

Afternoon & Evening

Noon to 1 p.m. — Lunchtime In The HUB (Panda Express)

Every hard worker needs to be fueled by some hearty food. Bendapudi needs the best of the best, and who are we to judge her choices? That orange chicken hits different when you know you’re girlbossing.

1 p.m. to 3 p.m. — Begging State Legislators For Money

Penn State is in a budget deficit and also gets a disproportionately low appropriation amount compared to other state-funded universities in Pennsylvania. Sometimes, you have to stoop pretty low to get what you want. It seems that includes our fearless leader as well.

We really hope this works. Tuition is getting out of control.

3 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. — Cutting Funding For The Gender Equity Center

Woof. First the Center for Racial Justice and now this? That’s a rough look.

Also, only allotting half an hour for this is cruel…at least allow a few hours to answer questions and release a super ambiguous statement.

3:30 p.m. to 5 p.m. — Meeting With Penn State Police

Though we weren’t able to fully transcribe the handwritten note beside this agenda item, it appeared to say “consult on increased parking rates” and something about the economic value of giving out more parking tickets to students.

5 p.m. to 9 p.m. — Filming TikToks

Oh, how exciting it’ll be to see Bendapudi’s version of a “5 to 9 after the 9 to 5” TikTok. I hope it includes a Schreyer House tour and an interview with the housekeeper and private chef.

9 p.m. — Lion’s Paw Meeting

The perfect way to cap off the day — being surrounded by people who also love themselves! This group of superhuman student leaders will surely let Bendapudi know what it’s like to be a regular student with real problems here at Penn State…right?

Editor’s note: This story is part of Onward State’s April Fools’ Day series. It is satirical, meant for entertainment, and not to be taken literally. Any quotes were made up for the purpose of this post.