Fed up with State College’s food options? Join the club.

State College’s downtown restaurants and bars are famously underclassed to serve Penn State’s massive student populace. Many restaurants have food that’s too expensive or just not good enough for the moment. We took the time to put together what we think the folks who run should sell on their secret menus.

Champs Downtown: Hangover Apology Breakfast

Ever wake up and wonder why you ever went out the night before? Same.

Well, Champs Downtown should be in the business of making amends. Any morning you have a splitting headache, head back to the scene of the crime (receipt in hand), and Champs will make you feel better with a big breakfast. They will need to make sure you’re hungover, so prepare for some flashing lights and cymbal crashes. However, it’s a small price to pay for an apology.

The Tavern: Dollar Savings Menu

If the Tavern ever actually lets you in, you may discover its exorbitant prices. I mean, it really is just for high-class alum to remember the good old days. However, if a student ever finds themself there, the Tavern is here to help. They should unveil a Dollar Menu, which consists of food actually possible to buy without a trust fund. Keep it secret though, they need to keep their rep.

Sheetz: Dance Challenge

Sheetz is a staple, but have you heard of its dance challenge? Get a group of five or more, and head over to any Sheetz past midnight. Just perform a fully choreographed flash mob to receive free meals for everyone involved. Sheetz is a bit of a stickler, so make sure you don’t steal any of your moves from anything else. All Sheetz workers have been trained extensively as judges — they will know if you cheat. Good luck!

Campus Dining: VIP Menu

Campus Dining leaves a lot to be desired. The food’s fine, but we want a little more.

Campus Dining needs a secret menu for certain students who’ve been chosen by the powers above, one with real food. Steak au poivre, caviar, foie gras, even wagyu! Just approach any campus dining worker and say “Fidelio” – and voila. From there, it’s sweet living. It’s all very hush-hush, so make sure you keep your cool.

Roots Natural Kitchen: The Savior Burger

Sometimes, against all protest, you find yourself at Roots Natural Kitchen. You stare at the menu with a tear in your eye. The guys at Roots understand — sometimes you don’t want to be healthy. For times like these, they need the Savior Burger. 

The Savior Burger is topped with everything you need: onion rings, piles of cheese, pulled pork, barbecue sauce, more onion rings, bacon, and two behemoth patties. It’s truly divine. Next time you’re picking at a flavorless bowl in the middle of an existential crisis, look out for the Savior Burger.