I am no stranger to a good crash out. To be completely transparent, I don’t do well with change and starting a new chapter of my life usually sends me spiraling! I’m the type of person who clings a little too hard to what’s familiar and has a hard time accepting that nothing lasts forever.

This aspect of my personality was especially present when it was time for me to pack up my life and head to college. I was terrified to leave the life I had known for so long.

Regardless of the fear, I made the bold, and somewhat rash, decision of committing to the University of Colorado in Denver. I’m not exactly sure what was going through my mind at the time, but I had the (false) confidence that I would be fine.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, that was not the case.

Without getting into all of the gory details, I crashed out…hard. It was probably one of the most embarrassing and humbling moments of my life. Impulsively, I flew home before completing the first semester. At this point, I felt like a failure and had no idea what to do next.

Fast forward a few months, I was not thriving and honestly felt like I had made a complete fool of myself. In an attempt to get my life back together, I decided to start reapplying to schools for the spring semester. I applied to Pitt and Penn State, coming to the conclusion that an in-state school was probably my best option. I ended up only getting into Penn State, which I was not thrilled about.

Penn State was never a part of my plan. In fact, I actively hated Penn State. I had full-on, one-sided beef with this university that I really knew nothing about. I always called it a cult and told anyone who was willing to listen that I would never go there in a million years. Much to my dismay, it became my only option, so I accepted my offer of admission and headed there for the spring.

Little did I know, this thing that I was so unhappy about would end up being the best decision I ever made.

Coming to this school has truly changed my life. It sounds dramatic, and I feel like it’s something everyone says when they graduate from college, but it’s true. I’m a completely different person than I was four years ago, and I’m the better for it.

I’ve made friends who feel like soulmates, I’ve discovered things that I’m passionate about, and I’ve become utterly obsessed with State College. I’ve learned to love the little life I have built here, and I can’t even begin to comprehend that I will have to leave it behind so soon.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that somewhere along the way, the Colorado crash out stopped feeling like failure and started feeling like a redirection. I stopped obsessing over where I thought I should be and started embracing where I actually was.

Now, after the best few years of my life, I find myself crashing out again. Although, this time it feels different. I’m not leaving in the middle of the semester, ashamed or unsure. I’m leaving with a full heart. I’m crashing out because it’s time to move on, and that’s just as hard in its own way. It’s OK to feel devastated when you have to leave a place that means so much to you.

Before wrapping this up, I wanted to take a second to thank the people who made my time at Penn State so worth it.

To Corinne, Lilly, and Maddie, you’re the best friends and roommates a girl could ask for. I don’t even know how to put into words the impact that you’ve had on my life. A big part of the reason Penn State has meant so much to me is because I got to share this experience with you. I will miss all of our DVSN adventures, morning debriefs filled with hangxiety, and unhinged conversations that I only feel comfortable having with the three of you.

To Colleen, thank you for helping me find my way when I first got here. From letting me tag along to things when I didn’t know anyone else to encouraging me to join Onward State. You’ve always given me unconditional support and have been a huge role model to me in all aspects of my life.

And to Onward State, I’m very aware that I haven’t been the most dedicated member. Regardless, I’m thankful for the people I’ve gotten to meet through this experience and for the chance to be a small part of something much bigger than myself.

At the end of the day, my biggest takeaway from this experience is that it’s OK to crash out. Yeah, it can feel scary and embarrassing while it’s happening, but sometimes it’s what puts you on the right path, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Things falling apart doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It might actually be the moment when things start to come together in a way that finally makes sense.

I will be forever grateful for my time at Penn State. The journey to get here was messy, but it ended up being exactly what I needed. From crashing out to finding my footing, this place gave me more than I ever expected, and I’ll carry the memories of my time here with me for the rest of my life.