Dear Pat Kraft,

I hope this finds you well.

My name is Sophie Yadzinski, and I am a senior at Penn State. I’m currently studying security and risk analysis, but have a passion for photography, tomfoolery, and sports. With the recent vacancy in the head coaching position for Penn State football, and my current post-grad plans of unemployment, I am writing to you today to offer my services to Penn State’s football program.

Knowing myself and my #grittynotpretty tendencies, I would be a great fit for the head coaching position. Allow me to further elaborate:

My Leadership Experience

Being a coach requires excellent communication, grit, people skills, dedication, and poise — qualities I believe I possess. I began working at a young age as a basketball referee and learned to stay poised in high-pressure situations after suffering the wrath of second-grade parents. Likewise, I’ve learned to stand my ground and be confident in my decision-making after hearing many grievances about an 8-year-old flopping like James Harden.

After working three years as a manager at a very popular ice cream shop back home, I’ve become extremely gritty. I learned a lot about my character during those times, struggling in the depths of an industrial freezer and being knee deep in melted ice cream. That being said, I’m not afraid to get down and dirty with it. I believe a coach should lead by example, so I wouldn’t be afraid to hop into some drills and show the team how it’s done. Just give me some pads first, please.

Additionally, I’ve developed strong communication skills after working with many groups and teams over the years. I’m not afraid to take charge, but I also value everyone’s input. As a THON public relations captain, I’ve been trained to handle media in a professional manner. I anticipate that if I become Penn State’s next head coach, I’d be in the spotlight, but don’t fret, I can take the heat.

I Bleed Blue & White

My loyalty to the Nittany Lions runs deep. I would die for my country, Penn State. We Are. No further comments.

I’m An Analyst

As I mentioned before, I’m majoring in security and risk analysis. It’s my job to think analytically and approach every situation with a problem-solving mindset. I have a knack for identifying patterns and would love to tackle the challenges presented in the battle known as college football.

I believe my ability to conduct risk assessments and think critically would be crucial for calling plays on fourth and short. I’d rely on my instincts and stats to draw up plays in my head.

I’ve also dabbled in sports betting, which has given me a new perspective on the game. I understand the stakes, the odds, and the emotions that come with every play. One of my main goals in each game would be to cover the spread and help the people get what they want: money.

Intimidation

A head coach needs to have some intimidation tactics to earn some respect. Luckily for myself, I’ve already mastered the art of this with instilling fear in former staffer Joe Lister.

My Mentality

Penn State has the well-known ‘We Are’ slogan, and Terry Smith recently introduced ‘If’ into the program, which I’m still not entirely sure what that means. However, I live by two personal mottos:

1. What do all successful people have in common? They never give up.
2. F.A.M.I.L.Y.

After spending numerous hours crying over my math homework in elementary school and, admittedly, all the way through high school, my dad would ask me what all successful people have in common. Naturally, I always answered back that they never give up, unenthusiastically willing myself to finish my homework. Over time, carried over into all aspects of my life. I believe this mentality is exactly what Penn State needs right now. To be successful, we can’t give up.

My second motto is “Forget About Me, I Love You,” which means putting the team and others before yourself. Penn State football is a family, and family comes before everything else. After my high school basketball coach shared this with me, it stuck with me. Times have been tough for Penn State football, and I believe with some perseverance and good ol’ bonding time, this program will win a natty.

When There’s A Will, There’s A Way

When I have a goal, I achieve it. For example, I really want to marry Jayson Tatum, so I made the first move and waved at him through my TV. He doesn’t know I exist, but I still count it as a W. In short, I proved all the haters wrong, and although he’s still fully unaware of my existence, I’m never giving up! Taco Jay, if you see this, holla at ya girl.

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Thank you for your consideration. I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon, Pat.

Best,

Sophie