College Dictionary: Sorostitute

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College Dictionary is a feature designed to keep you in the know. Onward State recognizes that there are many words exclusive to college campuses (and in some cases, Penn State), and even some upperclassman may be unaware of their meanings or origins.

Today’s word: Sorostitute.

Urbandictionary.com defines Sorostitute as “a girl in a sorority who has issues with keeping her legs shut.

While this definition is serviceable – the word Sorostitute means so many different things to different people, that the succinct definition supplied above does not do the storied term justice. I would post the secondary definition from Urban Dictionary, but I nearly had an aneurism reading it.

What is necessary in identifying a Sorostitute is being able to discern that it is not a sweeping classification for all girls who happen to be in sororities. Yes, it is important to recognize while Sorostitutes do exist, many of those involved in sororities are delightful people instead of Sorostitutes, who are known to be insufferable harlots. That is why it is of the utmost importance that there be a known standard by which a Sorostitute can be classified. Our team of statisticians and behavioral psychologists* toiled for hours and hours** perfecting a formula to determine if a girl is a Sorostitute. The fruit of our labors is displayed below.

Confused? Here’s a key for the equation:

Number of one night stands / month – I’m no puritan, but the number one quality in a Sorostitute is sluttiness. Chances are, if you’re getting with an assortment of dudes in a short period of time, you may be endowed with that attribute.

Jungle Juice consumed (in ounces) / week – Several academic journals*** have confirmed that Jungle Juice is the choice beverage of Sorostitutes – particularly in excess.

Body Weight – Incorporated into the equation simply to assess the average intoxication of the subject during the week.

Number of posts on Juicy Campus – If the article in the Daily Collegian didn’t inform you of this website’s existence, it’s a website that allows users to post content anonymously. A large fraction of the posts are nasty rumors about Greek organizations and their members and are barely worth reading. Count each post regarding ranking or tiering of sororities as two.

Number of UGG Boots thrown at rival sorority members – UGG boots, statistically popular among college-aged females, should never be used as a weapon.

People that actually enjoy the company of suspected Sorostitute – This may be the hardest statistic to procure, because it could be a subjective number. The best method is to discreetly hand out surveys regarding likability among the subject’s peers****.

Now, if the Sorostitution Quotient (patent pending) is above 12 – congratulations, you’ve encountered a bona fide Sorostitute!

If math isn’t your thing, there are a few litmus tests in the form of Jeff Foxworthy-isms that can be used:

– If you are afraid to wear your greek letter-adorned apparel under a blacklight, you might be a sorostitute.

If you perform sexual favors to speed up philanthropic work, you might be a sorostitute.

If you’ve ever stabbed a girl with a spike heel for wearing the same dress as you to a social, you might be a sorostitute*****.

And now you know the meaning of the word “Sorostitute.”

*Me and Google

** 17 minutes

***Some guy I overheard in an intro to economics class

****This is not possible

*****And there might be a warrant out for your arrest

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About Author

Mark McColey is a Senior majoring in Advertising and Labor-Employment relations. Among his loves are Penn State Football, The Steelers, The Penguins, The Simpsons, Tina Fey, and Arrested Development.

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