So now when you Google my name with “escort,” things come up which is great news. I have finally made it. My mom is really excited about how forward I am and may have stopped wishing I were Taylor Swift.
Unfortunately I am only one girl and cannot take twenty people on this hayride. Well, maybe if I rented my own bus but that costs money that my father (Dr. Stu) just is not shelling out. He thinks I go to Penn State to study, not find dates on the Internet.
You guys have all been hard at work answering questions about fruits, the Kardashians, and boy bands from the 90’s. I know my application was just as hard as the grad school ones you have been procrastinating for days now. Just be thankful I did not include an essay or a standardized test (maybe next time). Through reading applications, many deliberations with my friends, a few endorsements, and recommendations via Twitter; I have narrowed it down to just two applicants. This may be one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and that includes whether I want iced or hot coffee at Starbucks this morning.
Drum roll please.
And the runner up is…
“Bronny” from The School Philly – Although I have not been mentioned once in the Dime a Dozen section, I am extremely flattered for the article in response to this contest. Despite the fact that you skipped several questions and spelled Khloe wrong, I overlooked your errors because you were in my English 015 Seminar class. That is right, I found you. @jawn_brostein. Congratulations, you win a date with Chadwick Lynch.
So bachelors, here is the lucky winner…
Adam Bittner (@fugimaster24) – Adam (Or is it John?) is a journalism major from Bethel Park, PA and the football editor at The Daily Collegian. Can Onward State and The Daily Collegian put aside their differences for one “bumpy” hayride? It is time to #buckleup. Between catching up on “Jelena” gossip and living his life like my role model, Tyra Banks, he still finds the time to speak to his favorite Housewife, his mother. Plus, you are friends with Kimmy Bartner, who is the reason I attend Penn State.
— Steve Petrella (@steve_petrella) October 18, 2012
— Dan Norton (@DanNorton86) October 18, 2012
— Kevin Horne (@KevinHornePSU) October 18, 2012
Are you really shocked I picked media people? I am a Comm major after all, and this is investigative journalism. Stay classy State College, and John Stamos look-a-like — I will find you one day.
I just want to give a warm thanks for all those who applied, and let you know that I will eventually need a date for my brother’s wedding, so keep checking in. By the way, the submissions that did not attach a picture, extra Facebook stalking lost you the battle in the long run. This may help you in the future: READ INSTRUCTIONS.
Special shout-out to Evan Kalikow — although you cannot attend, you won my heart over with some of the best answers. If I could, I would give you one of your own legendary Evan Kalikow Fun Dollars — the official and extremely real currency of Onward State. (P.S “That’s How I Beat Shaq” is the best Aaron Carter song out there.)
Here is a little nutrition note: I do not have Celiac, but instead, I choose to avoid gluten. Gluten is in the following: Wheat, Oats, Rye and Barley. This includes things like soy sauce, beer, and the worst of all, Twizzlers.
See you on Monday, Adam (John?)
Lauren is a senior graduating with a bachelors degree in Telecommunications in December. She likes America’s Next Top Model marathons, the drive on I-80 to Long Island, instagramming food, cats, coffee, babies, the NY Giants, and the NY Mets and her apartment in Centre Court smells of leather bound books and rich mahogany.