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about 5 months ago

The Best of State College Craigslist

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Craigslist is a fantastic thing. Do you need to get a new bicycle for an affordable price? Craigslist! Looking for a new job? Craigslist! Want to flirt with an anonymous person who (hopefully) won’t kill you? Craigslist!

Despite all this, the best thing about Craigslist is that you can sit for hours and just read some of the weird things that people post on the site. Seriously. I have literally spent four or more hours sitting on Craigslist and giggling the entire time. It’s wonderful and I cannot recommend it enough. Especially if you’re not sober.

If you don’t believe me, or if you’re too scared to some of the terrifying things on “casual encounters,” never fear. I have thumbed through Craigslist, looking for some of the, um, “best” things the site has to offer. Here are my findings:

1) Need a Job?

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The thing I love about this ad is that they basically threw everything a college student wants to hear into a job listing. “Are you a current college student who wants money?” WHY YES! YES I WOULD! This is like when people look for trending topics on Twitter and hashtag all of them.

2) Learn how to SHRED!

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It’s State College’s Dan Smith! I like how you can either pay a guy $20 an hour to sit in his living room and learn how to play guitar, or you can go onto Youtube for nothing and learn how to do the exact same thing. Hell, I’ll teach you guitar for a roll of toilet paper (I live with two other guys, we need it).

3) Plagiarize!

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This was totally posted by an English professor, right? “Yes, pay me and I’ll write your paper. I’m totally legit. Swear to God. I’ll even include a copy of the University’s policies on academic integrity for your hearing.” This is absolutely something a freshman would get suckered into.

4) Flasher Jacket

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I watch a ton of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” Every single time there’s a guy who flashes people in Central Park, this is exactly what he’d wear. I’ve never seen a person walking around and thought anything other than “wow, that person is going to flash me and Detective Elliot Stabler is going to come out of nowhere to save me from such misfortune.”

5) “Celebrity DJ”

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Hey Movin’ On, I found your 2014 headliner! Even better, I’ll bet large sums of money that he’s cheaper than MGMT, AND he’ll play “Kids” if you offer him some extra cash, which by his standards, appears to be an extra $30 or something.

6) “Get Stoned Naturally”

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I’ll let Archer handle this one.

7) Get Ripped

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Hey, I go to that gym. I’ll give them a call. They really quelled all my fears that they aren’t terrifying when (s)he added “I am not looking to have any creepy craigslist interactions.” SOLD.

8) Shootyhoops Tickets!

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I’m on Stubhub now. You can fork out $75 for courtside seats, or you could pay less than $50 for pretty solid seats. Of course, as Deadspin’s Drew Magary says, people who pay to go to games when you can watch at home for free are idiots. I am one of those idiots.

9) Old Football Programs

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Ok, so this is kind of awesome. The main reason this is in here is the price — $100 is steep unless you REALLY want these — and the use of “their” in the description. I’ll let professional wrestler CM Punk take it from here.

10) Tire Sale

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o_O. I’m flabbergasted by this. I have no clue why, just the thought of a guy named Robert offering $5 for a used tire befuddles me. Why does he want used tires? Why is he offering $5 for them? Is anyone else confused?

11) Oh God, Weird Stuff

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If you think you feel uncomfortable now, wait until you get to the end of the post. This is like a Disney movie, but we’ll get to that later. For now, let’s just appreciate that some dude in his mom’s basement had the cajones to post this on the Internet. At least he’s offering $$$$$$$$$$$$$$. That’s 14 dollar signs, folks. This guy ain’t messing around.

12) “Fetish Photography”

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Today in “phrases I never expected that I’d ever type ever”: fetish photography. Apparently, this guy only wants “mature and serious inquiries only,” which is nice. One last note: based on the map, either this guy and the dude from the last picture are neighbors, or it’s the same person. I’m not sure which is scarier.

13) Tasteful Topless Pics

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You see, you can be a barbarian whilst asking for topless pictures, or you can ask for them to be tasteful. Totally different. And way more convincing! Or something.

14) Oh Boy, We’re in THAT Section

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There is a lesson to be learned here: always avoid the “personals” section of Craigslist. At least he promises that he’s real. Also, if you’re bored, here’s Juniata football’s roster. Feel free to play “who posted on Craigslist?”

15) The Most Craigslist Thing Ever (NSFW)

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I never read “50 Shades of Grey,” but I’m like 88 percent sure this was the plot of the book. Regardless, this post is proof that you should never go onto Craigslist ever. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bathe. All this Craigslisting made me feel dirty.

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