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about 7 months ago

Willard Preacher Turns To Atheism


According to several eyewitnesses, The Willard Preacher suddenly said, “You know what? Fuck this,” and promptly became an Atheist yesterday afternoon.

“None of you assholes listen to me, and, frankly, I don’t even believe the shit I say anymore,” Preacher reportedly said to no one in particular in a much more solemn tone than usual.

Preacher’s surprising move comes after years of standing outside the Willard Building telling students their souls are certainly damned unless they repent and change their evil, carefree ways of drinking and having sex sometimes while they ignore him. He reportedly reached the tipping point when he tripped and fell over his untied shoelaces and a student took a selfie with him, neglecting to help him to his feet.

Shortly after his revelation to the masses, other witnesses spotted Preacher at the Shandygaff chain smoking and “getting blacked out by myself.”

“He gave up? Really?!?” said noted Preacher dissenter Literally Everyone. “Never thought I’d see the day!”

Rumors have already started circulating about who might replace Preacher as the next Willard emancipator. According to sources, the current frontrunner is Hammered Douchebag Yelling About His Frat’s Daylong Tomorrow, with Guy Who Thinks He’s Smarter Than You Because He Talks Louder Than You in second place.

Onward State could not confirm whether Preacher will now also become too hipster to drink Starbucks.

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