Little did our staff know sitting at the new downtown Champs Sports Bar a couple weeks ago that the restaurant would soon change our lives forever. We had every intention of leaving the establishment with our reviews of it and continuing our monotonous, journalistic lives. Fortunately, however, the staff at Champs was gracious enough to invite us to their first ever Little Mania: Ultimate Midget Wrestling event.
On Sunday night, our minds were more than open to the expectations of all the sorts of hilarity and ridiculousness we knew were going to ensue. Climbing our way through the jam-packed restaurant with rowdy Greek life members spilling Miller Lite and wild Ultimate Midget Wrestling enthusiasts standing on the various tables surrounding the 5-foot-by-5-foot ring, we made our way to the VIP section to take in the unbelievable atmosphere. With the beer flowing and the crowd becoming unsettled, we soon realized that this was a sight that we would only experience once in our entire lives.
Even though we knew this was the first Overheard since September and we were feeling the pressure, it soon proved to be too easy. Looking down upon the jungle in front of us, and observing the surroundings that would both scar us and enliven us at the same time, the article materialized almost instantly.
For the first time in Onward State and Penn State history, we present to you, Overheard at Ultimate Midget Wrestling.
As always, these are all real quotes said by unsuspecting people.
Crowd screaming as we walked in: “WE WANT MIDGETS!” *clap clap clapclapclap* “WE WANT MIDGETS!” *clap clap clapclapclap*
Guy holding up best sign of the night: “Admission: $10. Seeing little people beat the crap out of each other: Priceless.”
Girl in blue tank-top: “Aw, oh my God, they are so tiny!”
Friend of girl in blue tank-top: “He’s so little, even for a midget.”
Guy with impressive beard: “My Snapchat story is fucking lit with midgets.”
Guy with black T-shirt on: “Midget John Cena just entered the building.”
Very impressed onlooker: “Holy shit, look how ripped he is!”
Wrestler named “Steve-O”: I’m gonna entertain your asses for two hours, and ya’ll better like that shit.”
Guy with intoxicating American pride: “This is everything good about America! USA, USA, USA!”
Guy wearing a black hoodie: “Mario quit Super Smash Bros and left Luigi to wrestle some midgets.”
Guy with low self-esteem: “This guy [wrestler]could easily kick my ass.”
Girl standing on a chair in VIP: “This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever done, easily.”
Guy wearing a blue ball cap: “Mario honestly looks like my younger cousin and I don’t know how comfortable I feel about this now.”
Intoxicated, yet very aware girl: “This is a straight white man’s paradise.”
Guy wearing a white T-shirt: “I grew up watching professional wrestling but this is ridiculous!”
One bro to another waiting in the bathroom line: “No one’s gonna fucking stop you from going into the girls bathroom.” *Said bathroom had been closed for a majority of the night at this point*
One girl who couldn’t contain her excitement for the wrestlers: “Oh My God! I WANT ONE SO BAD!”
Creeped out girl: “This little guy is humping A LOT.”
Guy sharing our thoughts: “I can’t explain it, I can only laugh at this point.”
Enthusiastic VIP member: “THIS IS FUCKING LITTTTTTTTT!!!!”
Guy in red shirt concerned about the well-being of all: “Black lives matter too!”
Guy in mens bathroom: “Quick! Quick, close the door, I’m pissing in the sink. Listen, if you’re gonna open that door, I’m gonna kill you. But don’t worry, I will wash my hands in it after.”
Generous guy wearing a Hawaiian floral shirt: “I let the little man sip my BIG drink.”
Girl wearing a white shirt: “I would fuck one of them.”
A very curious bystander: “I wonder how many beers it takes to get a midget fucked up.”
Crowd after midget wrestler Flyin’ Ryan (who just dissed Penn State) took the stage: “PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY!”
Group of guys anxious for more: “The Phyrst is holding the after party! Tell all them little guys!”
Guy wearing a red flannel getting into a tussle after the match: “I’m a big boy and I can take of myself and those midgets!!”
A wise man: “I support midget wrestling.”
Girl wearing a Neff beanie: “What a time to be alive.”