Dear readers,

Do not believe the idyllic tweet recently posted on Onward State. Downtown State College is peaceful and quaint? Perhaps if you consider the area of Beaver Canyon, which has been taken over by the pterodactyls, where exposed rib cages outnumber discarded beer cans, to be “quaint.”

That tweet was a ruse, most likely perpetrated by one of the many new biker gangs that are now fighting for control of West Campus. The largest gang, The MurderCyclists, have taken over the Imperial Motor Inn, giving the motel the most business it has had since it hosted that meth lab a few years back.

Needless to say, dear readers, you must come back. State College is a bit of a clusterfuck at the moment. After all, that rat food was eaten by the morlock-like survivors, not adorable mice.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to York, PA, where I hope to avoid committing vehicular homicide on an Amish horse.