Alright people, enough is enough. April Fool’s Day is a ridiculous holiday to begin with, what with the pranking and the joking and the general tom foolery that goes on. This problem is especially prevalent in the youth population, and even more concentrated amongst young people with access to popular media outlets.

I’m not going to name names here, but I think we all know which newspapers, magazines, blogs and the like are trying to toy with those of us trying to go about our daily business, distracting us from our studies and generally spreading delight.

I make this call to student publications everywhere: bring me the real stuff! I want to know when the next USAS rally is, I want to know about recent budget adjustments approved by the university, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT PENN STATE IS DOING ABOUT THE MUTANT SQUIRREL POPULATION!

So shame on you pranksters, with your mockery, puns, and witty one-liners. May your shenanigans deliver unto you the worst of all possible fates—declined readership.