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Collegian Names New General Manager

The Daily Collegian’s search for a new general manager has come to an end. When the newspaper’s GM Gerry Hamilton announced his resignation, the Collegian began looking for a replacement (see our March 17 post). And they’ve finally found one.

Insiders at the Collegian have been quoted as saying, “Based on a statistical analysis of the number of hours put into this search by the Collegian’s administration, the height and weight of the applicants for the position, their median age, and their average number of cups of coffee consumed daily, we have reached the conclusion that the quest for a new general manager was only slightly less treacherous and time consuming than Percival’s quest for the Holy Grail. However, we believe our new GM will allow the newspaper to illuminate the Penn State community in never-before seen ways, making it a shining, glimmering beacon of journalistic light. He has truly been the pot o’ gold at the end of the leprechaun’s rainbow.”

And who, you may ask, is deserving of such eloquent praise and acclamation?

Why, it’s none other than our very own Davis Shaver!

Although the Collegian graciously declined his April 2009 offer to purchase it, Shaver’s continued relationship with the print media outlet has lead to his recent appointment. His inordinately busy schedule and keen management sense, however, have lead him to require several structural adjustments of the Collegian:

-Given the unfortunate demise of print media (again, refer to Shaver’s purchase offer from last year), no news stories will be printed in the Collegian. They will be redirected to Stall Stories, where readership is highest.

-To replace the absent news, 96.4 % of the paper’s print space will be replaced with crossword puzzles. This initiative was planned in collaboration with the OADBBC (Organization Against Death By Boredom in the Classroom).

-Remaining space will be devoted to the “Davis Photo of the Day” section, which will feature images of the new GM in various body-building poses.

– The old rectangular design of the newspaper will undergo revisions to look more like Davis’ favorite dinosaur–the brontosaurus.

Based on just these few examples, it looks like great things are  in store for the Daily Collegian in the coming months. We’re sure that the greater State College community is waiting with baited breath to see what other brilliant improvements general manager Shaver has in store for the Collegian–stay tuned for full coverage on Onward State.

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