If you have an odd feeling that spiders have burrowed under your skin or that the FBI has wire-tapped your dorm room, you may be one of the many to discovered the legal high, bath salt. Apparently it’s the latest in a growing trend of faux-drugs sweeping the markets.

Now, I had never heard of snorting something that is meant to turn a simple bath into a relaxing lavender oasis, but after watching my friend attempt to remove his left eye with a wooden ladle, I knew that this quick fix wasn’t something to mess with.

Acting much like the Class A controlled substance, meth, bath salts are known to inhibit appetite and sleep while making you more paranoid than the dude from “The Shining.” Sounds like a way to spice up your weekend, right? Well, stores across State College have stocked up on the white powder that has left many in the ER or frantically calling Poison Control.

Sold under many aliases, such as White Girl, Vanilla Sky or Ivory Snow, bath salt is a synthesized substance that contains MPDV. The chemical compound has been linked to over-stimulation of the nervous system, causing addiction and making you uncomfortably itchy. However, since MPDV is not intended for human consumption, the FDA has failed to implement regulation of the chemical in the U.S. market.

Quickly capitalizing where the government fails are local head shops. 250mg of bath salts can be purchased with no more that $30 bucks and a valid I.D. at places like Jamaica Junction and Dragon Chasers Emporium.

Now, I know that taking an anti-substance stance in a college town is as blasphemous as using an American flag as toilet paper, but this isn’t the same meth your aunt with one tooth boiled in her double-wide. Well actually, it’s exactly like that. Who does meth or sort-of-kind-of meth anymore anyway? Look at what happened to Amy Winehouse.

With all of the recent media scrutiny, you would think that the days of blasting legal lines are numbered. However, not much has been done. Politicians seem to be more worries about unnecessary stuff like the war in Iraq or our trillion-dollar deficit (I know, who elects these people?).

Bath salt usage has not yet risen to epidemic proportions, but will the cheery citizens of this great country sit around until it does? How could we trust a nation where fake meth is sold in Bed, Bath and Beyond next to farm-animal-themed hand towels? Is there any solution to this problem? Or are we all doomed to a world overrun with balding speed freaks?