You’ve just spent the past three months spending every dollar you have flying home to see your family on Thanksgiving… only to discover that your family went to Florida for the holiday… and forgot to tell you. Or shelling out thousands for a wedding ring to propose on Christmas morning… only to have it thrown in your face because it was too small. Or paying hundreds to ensure you jump the line at the club you chose for New Year’s Eve… only to find that the girl you were kissing was a guy.

By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around, most of us are either too poor or too worn out to do much more than pick up the Chinese takeout menu and order Skinemax.

But for those brave male soldiers who still want to venture out of their bat caves, here are a few suggestions and tips to keep in mind when you try to decide where to bring your date.

For the Blind Date

Blind dates are a double whammy — not only is this your first date with a girl who could be boring or have a nasty attitude, but you’ve also never even seen her, which means she could be (heaven forbid!) fugly. So first things first: Make sure to pick a restaurant that has more than one exit. Unfortunately, Panera and The Corner Room won’t work — though they both have two exits, they both have floor-to-ceiling windows, which could make for an awkward setting when you sneak out of the restaurant and she sees you running down the street just as your food arrives to the table. Our favorite is The Deli because, though it technically only has one entrance and exit, it does have two fenced-in outdoor seating areas (and if you’re really desperate, you can always hop the fence and make your getaway). Oh, and its sandwiches pretty much rock our socks off.

For the LTR (Long Term Relationship) Date

Unfortunately there’s no way around this one. If you’ve been going out for six months or more, suck it up and fork it over (pun intended) at one of the nicer places in town with low lighting, white tablecloths, and napkins that aren’t made from paper. Great places that will break your budget include Zola’s New World Bistro or the Allen Street Grill, but, if you’re looking for a place that’s a little cheaper, check out Cozy Thai or Indian Pavilion. But remember fellas — just because you paid for the date doesn’t mean she owes you a little “sum-sum” at the end. Even though we both know she totally does.

For the One-Night Stand “Date”

Let’s just call this what it is. I mean, why try to pretend to woo her with your wiles? You know it’s already in the bag, so just take the dame out for the cheapest, quickest bite that will give you the energy for your long night ahead. McDonald’s will be offering sit-down dining for V-Day, which not only means unbeatable prices and protein (which is sure to keep you going well into the night), but also says, “I want to show you a good time, but I don’t want to spend more than 4 dollars.” If you’re looking for something a little less processed, consider Taco Bell and their $2 meal deals (Beefy 5-layer burrito anyone?).

For the Friend Date

When you’re out with a friend, there’s nothing quite as good as grabbing a booth and bonding over some of the best diner food in town. If you’ve got a car, head on up to Denny’s, but, if you’re limited to the downtown area, I’d pick Baby’s Burgers and Shakes over the State College Diner any day. Not only does the food taste better, but the crowd is slightly less intimidating than at the Diner (hungover kids who can’t hold their liquor and servers with bright blue hair don’t exactly make for a great VD vibe, even if neither of you are “getting any” that night). Bonus: Baby’s has coin-operated jukeboxes at each table, so crank up those Happy Days tunes.

For the Bromance Date

Obviously, you need to pick a place where you can both sit at a bar to ensure you don’t give anyone the wrong impression. The underdog of the night definitely has to be The Darkhorse Tavern. With one of the best burgers in town, it features great music and decently priced drinks and apps. If you’re looking for something with a little more testosterone, make your way north to Champs Bar and Grill, where they’ve got 45 flavors of beer and tons of sports to make you feel macho even on the least manly of days.

For the Loner Date

No one likes to admit they’re without a date on VD, so pick a place with low lighting. Movie theaters are always a good option because no one will be able to see you’re sitting alone. Then again, there will be dozens of couples making out around you, so run up to RedBox and spend the night with your tissues, cuddled up next to your remote and your dog (the only thing that still loves you in this world). If you really need to get out of the house, you can always pick a movie so bad that nobody else would be caught dead in the theater — Adam Sandler’s new flick “Just Go With It” should do the trick.

***All comments made in this article are meant to be satirical and are not meant to offend anyone.