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The 3 Keys to Never Graduating

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer (when it feels like it) and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there are those among us who dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very sneakily. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.

Become a Part-Time Student
Back in FTCAP, we were told that we can’t go under a certain amount of credits or we become “part-time students.” I have no idea what the number is because FTCAP falls into the part of the brain containing the “Twilight” movies and other horrible repressed events. Besides that, I would argue that at least 70 percent of upperclassmen are “part-time students,” even with a lot of classes. If you intend never to graduate, take 1-3 credits a semester so you’re still technically a student of some kind. Sure, you’re only doing real work about an hour every day, but think of it as practice for entering politics.

Join Lots of Clubs and Organizations
Staying active in the community is the key to making it look like education is the number one priority. The best groups to join are charitable organizations and anything with a team structure. That way, even if you skip out on meetings to hook up with freshmen or purchase bath salts, you’re still associated with people that accomplish something. Team sports work exactly the same way. Even the backup kicker and practice squad get Super Bowl rings after all. Essentially, you will be the Blue Power Ranger. You’ll be in the background on the lunch box and have to settle for the Black Ranger’s sloppy seconds, but you still helped make Megazord. That’s what really counts in life.

If you’re not actually a “student” in the technical sense of the word, food and lodging could become a problem. Generally, universities only tolerate those that pay the bills and buy overpriced Sunkist from the on-campus stores. However, Mother Nature provides the non-graduate with the answer to all of their problems: squirrels. The first solution is to eat squirrels. This plan sounds good at first, but squirrel meat is notably thick and this doesn’t resolve the water and shelter issue. The true mission is to become a member of squirrel society. While humans tend to naturally cull the weak with high school gym class and optional seat belts, squirrels stick together. After months of living among the squirrels and learning their customs and acorn storage techniques, the non-graduate will be welcomed as an honored member of squirrel society. He or she will then become trusted with the squirrel elders and profit off of the notoriously short squirrel lifespan. Upon becoming the oldest and biggest, the nongraduate will ascend to Squirrel Godhood. The squirrels will combine the new Squirrel God’s knowledge of human weaknesses with their own squirrely militaristic strategies to take over Penn State. Needless to say, graduating is now the least of your concerns. You have achieved squirrel immortality.

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About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

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