Author: John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him. Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians. Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

The 3 Keys to Never Graduating

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer when it feels like it and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there exist among us the ones that dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very smugly. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.

Playboy Says PSU is 2nd Best at Partying

Finally, after months of excruciating labor and countless hours of crunching the numbers, Playboy Magazine has named their Top 10 Party Schools. The Big Ten had two spots on the list, with the University of Wisconsin at #6 and our good ol’ alma mater coming in at #2. Topping the list of debauchery was the University of Colorado at Boulder. Presumably, PSU lacked the necessary amount of “Oh God, I am freezing my ass off.”

PSU Presses Start on Video Game Class

Apparently, Penn State has recently decided to join us in the 21st century. Next fall, the College of Communications will have a COMM 190 class entitled Gaming and the Interactive Media. For those without a PhD in Fancy Jargon, that means there will be a general education class centered on video games. Before you jump over to the registrar, the class isn’t about grading your headshots and has nothing to do with n00bs and spawn camping.

Library Research? LionSearch Has Got Your Back!

Recently, something called LionSearch Beta has appeared on the website for the PSU library. Basically, a “library” is a place where you would go to borrow PDF files that somebody else printed out for you. They are even alphabetized sometimes! The library’s Web Site features a variety of databases you probably learned about as a freshman. LionSearch takes all of those and basically makes it into one master search.

Are You a Bear? Campaign Warns of Danger

This week, students have been puzzled by unexplained chalk writings all over campus. The mystery was finally solved today as the typo was corrected. Apparently, a terrible cell phone connection led to the message being distorted, resulting in incredibly vague warnings. The actual goal was to rectify the abysmally low amount of undercover bear awareness.

The warnings have been traced to a group calling itself The Grizzly Truth, who claim that the low awareness of disguised bears leaves students extremely vulnerable. A representative from the group said that, in the midst of a budget crisis, students tend to forget that bears may be hidden among them. The chalk writings inspire self-reflection and make students aware that their loved ones may be bears in disguise.

Ke$ha Rewrites Alma Mater

In a startling move, Penn State President Graham Spanier auctioned off the rights to the Alma Mater this morning. The highest bidder was renowned STD collector and 3rd grade spelling bee runner-up, Ke$ha. Ke$ha has rewritten the Alma Mater and named her creation “Eye <3 P$V.” It is currently available for purchase on iTunes.

Complaining About UPUA Violations… In Style!

I’ve been told that UPUA Elections are going on and I should care for some reason. I recently discovered that UPUA has set up an official spot to complain about Elections Code Violations. If there’s one thing I like to do, it is complaining about things. Especially frivolous things that nobody honestly cares about. It sure sounds like an election to me!

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