Attending a Penn State football game is an experience that can’t be described in words. The atmosphere is overwhelming and there’s nothing like 100,000 people taking part in a “We Are” chant. After 3 years of attending football games in the Beav, I’ve made a few observations regarding its clientele. Here are the top 5 people you will meet at a home football game in Beaver Stadium:

The Drunk Asshole

Everyone knows that tailgating is a huge part of the gameday atmosphere in Happy Valley. For the Drunk Asshole, however, the game is just a weak after-party for a debaucherous afternoon in Lot 13. After 9 innings of dizzy bat, the Drunk Asshole stumbles over to Gate A (about 15 minutes after kickoff) and makes his way to the nosebleeds. The Drunk Asshole then proceeds to yell incoherent, ham-fisted stabs at trash talk to the opposing team.

Examples of this include:

Hey f–k you Michigan, I f—ed your mom last night!

Hey f–k you Ohio State, I f—ed your mom last night!

Hey f–k you…other team, I f—ed your mom last night!

The bad news is that the Drunk Asshole will continue to yell incessantly throughout the entire first quarter. The good news is that he will also either run out of energy or pass out by the end of the first quarter.

The Concession King

Perhaps you’re not one for waking up at 8 a.m. to tailgate for the noon games. Maybe the food at your tailgate sucked. Maybe you just eat a lot. Whatever the reason may be, we raise our extra-large Cokes to you, Concession King. The Concession King spends more time in line waiting for another chicken finger basket than actually watching the game in the stands. But that’s what those TV’s on the concourse are there for, right? At every quarter break, TV timeout, or sometimes just in the middle of a drive, the Concession King makes a break for it. This means squeezing through the awkward knee/butt tunnel to the end of the aisle, then returning with two hot dogs, a soft pretzel and a large soda in hand. Sitting by the Concession King will often incite feelings of jealousy and will most likely lead to you joining his ranks. You’ve been warned.

The Uninterested Mope

There are very few things I have experienced that rivaled the energy level of a Penn State football game, but the cheers of the crowd as the team takes the field are no match for the Uninterested Mope’s wall of boredom. The Uninterested Mope most likely purchased tickets because it was “the thing to do”, but now realizes that he hates live sporting events, knows no one on the team, and refuses to pay $10 for a chicken tender basket. The Uninterested Mope spends the entire game watching the game clock and thinking about how much engineering homework he has to do. Steer clear of this guy, his indifference is infectious.

The Know-It-All

Most Penn State students have a basic knowledge of Penn State football: JoePa, the quarterback, and a few position players. The Know-It-All, however, has been watching game tapes at a faster rate than the team itself and knows the team inside out. He wants you to know it, too. He knows every name and number on the roster, their college stats, their high school stats, what they ate for breakfast on game day, and their dog’s name. You will most likely hear something like this against Alabama from the Know-It-All:

It’s going to come down to filling holes to stop Richardson–if Carson can’t do it, they should move Hull inside. Hopefully we can get the ground game going to open up any sort of play action, but it’ll be tough to put up points against Alabama’s D. We’re gonna need a big push inside, and if Troutman or Pannell struggles, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Urschel come in.*

The Know-It-All is there for the game and for the game only. The only chance you will likely have to talk to him during the game is at halftime, as long as he hasn’t checked out to listen to the commentary on ESPN radio.

The Opposing Team Fan

He wanders into enemy territory, proudly wearing his Ohio State jersey. He takes a seat next to two kids wearing “Buck the Fuckeyes” shirts, his eyes sternly affixed on the field. Let’s face it: this kid has balls. While perhaps the thought of opposing fans in your section may not be the most appealing premise, if you are sitting within a 10 ft radius of this fan, be wary of inciting vicious taunts and chants. It’s not that I don’t love some good old-fashioned trash talk, but here’s why: these tauntfests often lead to more direct attacks on said fan, including the throwing of food. A misdirected tray of nacho cheese can wind up on your head in the blink of an eye, especially if thrown by the Drunken Asshole.

So there you have it, the Top Five People You Meet in Beaver Stadium. Be sure to keep an eye out for them this weekend, and be careful not to be “that guy,” whoever that may be. This list is in no way comprehensive, however, and we want to know who your favorite Beaver Stadium characters are, so fill us in below in the comments!

* If you knew what this meant, you might be the Know-It-All.