You Want a Football Coach Search Committee? Here You Go.
Yesterday, (curiously) around the same time as Ohio State’s press conference to announce Urban Meyer as their new head coach, Penn State released the news that a committee will search for their next head football coach.
The six-person committee, headed by acting Athletic Director David Joyner, includes Linda Caldwell (Penn State faculty athletics representative), Charmelle Green (Penn State associate athletic director and senior woman administrator), Ira Lubert (chairman and co-founder, Independence Capital Partners and Lubert Adler Partners), John Nichols (emeritus professor, Penn State College of Communications, and chair, Coalition on Intercollegiate Athletics), and Russ Rose (head coach, Penn State women’s volleyball).
Now, while all of these selections certainly have impressive credentials, I still see room for improvement. With that in mind, my selections for the committee are listed below.
Mr. Miyagi – Miyagi evaluates talent with the best of them and will take a patient, deliberate approach to the process. In the wake of so many snap judgments, we could use a little of that.
The Ghost of Ernie McCoy – This former Penn State athletic director selected Penn State’s head football coach the last time they needed to replace one…in 1966. His track record appears to be up to snuff.
Bugs Bunny – If the guy (er, bunny) found a way to get Michael Jordan to coach up the Tune Squad in another entire dimension, I trust him to find Penn State a football coach.
Patches O’Houlihan – Has any man been able to get more out of less than Patches? Penn State may need those skills if boosters refuse to put up big bucks. Plus, when questioned on the rumors that will inevitably swirl throughout this process, he can “dodge, duck. dip, dive, and dodge” with the best of ’em.
A BCS Computer – Who knows what it takes to win in college football more than 1/3 of the reason the entire system sucks?
Someone…anyone…from the Rooney family – I don’t care if it’s the family dog, just give me a Rooney. That family can flat out discover coaching talent.
Buddy Garrity – He brought Eric Taylor back to Dillon. Bring Coach Taylor to Happy Valley, Buddy. Please.
And a few we’re happy to say did not make the cut…
Andy Reid – Come on. The guy hired last year’s offensive line coach into this year’s defensive coordinator. You can guess how that turned out.
Willlard Preacher – Every interview would just wind up in him rambling, causing every candidate to eventually leave unnoticed.
The Backyard Brawl – The Pitt and WVU football programs have, combined, had as many head coaches employed this year as Penn State has had since 1923.
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About the Author
The Penn State Thespians are bringing “Young Frankenstein” to Schwab Auditorium for a spooky and comical set of shows.
Remember: Penn State’s made of sunshine, rainbows, football, and good grades.
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