Senior Writes Final Column
Senior columns, with all their melodrama and platitudes, usually leave me eye-rolling and shaking my head with a vigor usually reserved for study abroad blog posts. The idea of someone in their early twenties attempting to impart original meaningful advice to someone, at most, four years their junior is laughable. These columns usually end up as a boastful chronicle of the writer’s last four years, and/or as an ode to the writer’s media organization and the familial quality of the newsroom they never want to leave. As a reader, this type of shit always made me want to throw up a little bit. No one wants to read that.
But, as I graduate a week from today, I figured I should give it a go myself. Rather than discuss the origins of Onward State like Evan, I’d just like to briefly thank a few people who have defined my Onward State experience.
The blog was your idea and all, and I really appreciate you sharing your vision for it with me while we tailgated with your family that one time. Thank you for letting me buy in to this amazing endeavor. Also, while I’m sure many people would be mad at you for this, thank you for getting me on Twitter. Thank you to your family as well. Every home football game or Passover seder I felt incredibly welcome.
You, sir, are probably the funniest person I’ve ever met. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been telling stories to friends that started, “So my friend Evan said…” It’s kind of weird, actually. I’ve heard your twitter account described as “second in humor to @Horse_ebooks” by at least one person. Good work. I’d like to thank you for generally being in good spirits, even when blog stuff wasn’t going well. Also, thank you for being a great copy editor. One of my big regrets is that I wasn’t in Prague when you rolled though on spring break last year.
Mark, you were one of the first non-Simmons Hall writers for the blog, and I really couldn’t have asked for a more competent, funnier writer to join the staff. You see, I’m not very funny. We definitely needed to up the humor quotient, and when you came on, our problems were solved. The Fake Graham Spanier stuff was particularly awesome, foreshadowing for the 10 fake Spanier accounts that currently exist. You’re in Los Angeles now, and I will be soon. Please get a job so we can live together. Thanks.
Kevin, you’re the future, but you’re one of those kids that grew up reading Onward State, something I find pretty incredible. You know what OS is capable of. After graduation, it’s really on you and the gang to make sure this blog becomes everything it should be. In terms of journalistic ability, the underclassmen on staff now are streets ahead of where Davis, Evan, and I were when OS started. I’m excited to see where you guys go. Thank you for taking the UPUA beat. Dan McCool and Devon Edwards can sympathize about how boring/difficult it is. Remember though, no matter how much you grow up, you’ll always be a THON-hating virgin to me.
Dennis, thanks for joining Onward State as a senior. You brought a new point of view that might not have been fully appreciated, and you’re a good friend. We’ve had a Full Ammo Improv presence on the blog since the days of Ryan Simmons and Mark McColey, and I see you as a direct continuation of that. Hopefully, next year Ellie can fill your shoes when you’re teaching economics in Memphis. Go Grizzlies!
This is, by far, the tackiest of thank yous. For those that have stuck with us since 2008, thank you. For those that have commented since the beginning, like @GTWMA1, thank you. From the beginning, we didn’t do Onward State to make money or parrot some point of view.
We did it for y’all. Thank you.
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About the Author
My own personal hell will include shirtless people yelling “Ski U Mah!” and “M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A, Minnesota! Minnesota!” in my ears until they bleed.
Just let all of the sad feelings wash over you on this Monday morning.
Send this to a friend