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Onward, Briefly: State College Prepares for Blizzard Amid Heatwave

The State College community is preparing for a nigh-apocalyptic blizzard to arrive Saturday evening, even while temperatures in the area peaked at nearly eighty degrees during the week. Expectations of “White Out” conditions were heard from many reputable sources, including (but not limited to) the Campus Weather Service, the Meteorology and Comparative Literature Departments, Penn State’s Mont Alto campus, the awkward freshman on the sixth floor of Simmons hall, Vice President Joseph Biden, former Vice Presidents Al Gore and Dick Cheney, Vice President for Student Affairs Damon Sims, and, most strikingly, Penn State Athletics.

The timing of this extreme weather event coincides with a scheduled battle between Penn State and Ohio State inside Beaver Stadium. These factions have been warring for territory and a vaguely-defined prize of “bragging rights” since the dawn of time, some 13 billion years ago. Both contenders are using only their wit and cunning to dispatch each other. No weapons, explosives, riot batons, tranquilizers, or binders full of women are permitted during the hour-long engagement. Despite a victory from either side, no gladiator on the field will be allowed to compete in the coveted “Bowl Game” combat arenas at the end of this period of conflict.

Residents of the State College area are preparing for the White Out in any way they can. President Erickson has declared a state of emergency at each of Penn State’s campuses. Citizens are encouraged to purchase special clothing for the event, known as a “White Out Shirt”, which will lower the ambient temperature by several degrees in the wearer’s immediate vicinity. Owners of mystical items known as “tickets for THE GAME, BRO” will be allowed into Beaver Stadium, and will participate in such rituals as “singing the Alma Mater”, and screaming as loudly as possible until the game ends in either victory for Penn State’s team, the Nittany Lions, or defeat for Ohio State’s Buckeyes.

At press time, temperatures remained in the high 60’s in central Pennsylvania. These conditions are expected to prevail until Saturday at around 5:30 p.m., when the White Out moves in and temperatures drop to near absolute zero. The forecast for early next week calls for mild temperatures and several feet of rain from a major fluke hurricane. Expect euphoric feelings from Saturday’s battle royale to last for a few days until they are replaced with extreme sugar rushes through Wednesday night.

Onward, Briefly is a quasi-weekly, pseudo-intellectual, somewhat-satirical, hyphen-riddled, and just-okay-until-they-get-the-issues-sorted-out news column about anything the author can get past the Managing Editor.

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