Windows Down, Volume Up: How to Become “The Man” by Blasting Music

Picture this: you’re “that guy.” You’re in a 2004 Nissan Altima that you have PIMPED OUT with black rims, a spoiler from Wal Mart, an exhaust pipe from one of the Fast and Furious movies, LED lights and a window tint that can only be described as “rolling probable cause.”

Long story short, in your mind, you’re the man.

But something is missing. Something that will push you from “cool” to “legendary.” Something that will make everyone’s head turn and talk about you as you drive. You don’t care if literally everyone is talking about how awful you are, any attention is good attention, amirite?

You’re missing one thing: music. You had the sickest sound system in your high school, where your graduating class was probably like 130 people. When you play music, people listen. Usually against their own will, but whatever.

Now that the weather’s nice, you can blast music with your windows down like the good Lord intended. Drive down College Ave. with pride, friend. Be loud. Be proud. Be the man.

So what songs should you play to really signify your new status on top of your own social food chain? Try these:

“Clique” by Big Sean ft. Kanye West and Jay-Z

This sums you up perfectly. Ain’t NOBODY fuckin’ with yo clique, clique, clique, clique, clique. And there ain’t nobody fresher than yo mother fuckin’ clique, clique, clique, clique, clique. Of course, the irony is you’re probably listening to this song alone, because nobody wants to be friends with someone who demands attention as much as you do, but that’s not the point. You’re too busy being awesome to care.

“Thrift Shop” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Everyone knows this song, and everybody loves getting this beat stuck in their head/bashing their head into walls to get it out. You probably can’t name any other Macklemore songs, even though most Macklemore fans would probably say this is his worst song, but who cares!? None of his songs will EVER be as cool as “Thrift Shop” in your mind. You certainly do walk up in the club like, “what up, I got a big cock.” Are you compensating for something? Almost definitely. But that doesn’t matter because, like Macklemore, your Gucci is hella tight. Even though you don’t have any Gucci.

“Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj

People love to hate Nicki Minaj. And by “people” I mean “fools.” Nicki Minaj is the greatest musician of all time. She makes The Beatles look like a bunch of hobos. She is to music what Jersey Shore is to television (NOTE: Jersey Shore is probably your favorite television show) — the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. So when you play a song like “Super Bass,” yeah, people will think it’s horrible. But you know it’s great. And that’s all that matters.

“Beauty and a Beat” by Justin Bieber feat. Nicki Minaj

Take that last thing, replace “Nicki Minaj” with “Bieber,” “she” with “he,” and “Super Bass” with “Beauty and a Beat” and it’s the exact same scenario. Speaking of the Biebs…

“Come and Get It” by Selena Gomez

Now this, this is a song. You’re gonna say it’s not about that girl that totally shot you down at Indigo, but with lyrics like “this love will be the death of me, but I know I’ll die happily,” we all know it’s about her no matter what you say. This is song is perfect in every way possible. B+.

Anything by Odd Future

GOLF WANG GOLF WANG GOLF WANG. Odd Future is a great way to say, “hey world, I’m a white person who listens to music that liberally uses racial and ethnic slurs in the most offensive way possible!” Why would you do that? Easy: because you doesn’t believe in racism, sexism or any other -ism. You believe in swag. And Odd Future? Swag.

Some Nights by fun.

No. Never.

We Are Young by fun.

This fun. song is much better if you wanna be “that guy,” mostly because everyone knows it, and because it reminds of you of your youth. You need that reminder, because you’re probably 29 and still in college because, like Van Wilder or Bert Kreischer, you don’t believe in graduating on time. College is fun. You’re like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused: you get older, but girls stay the same age. Only unlike him, you’re talking about college girls and not high school girls…I think.

Give Me Everything by Pitbull

People love to hate this song, which is really stupid because this song is AWESOME. It rhymes “picture that” with “kodak,” cunning lyrical wordplay that even the Notorious B.I.G. probably couldn’t pull off. Also, it mentions Lindsay Lohan, which actually led her to sue Pitbull. Why? Because she was jealous of how awesome this song was. Just like people will be jealous of you if you blast this from your car as loud as possible.

“Colt 45″/”Because I Got High” by Afroman

Remember when you were in 6th grade and these songs were awesome? WOAH. SONGS ABOUT DRUGS AND DRINKING AND SEX. THESE ADULTS IN MY MIDDLE SCHOOL DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW COOL THIS IS. Well, people love retro stuff! Bring this song back! You’ve never smoked pot in your life, but that can be our little secret! Sure, most people will think you’re insanely sophomoric for blasting this song, but that doesn’t matter. You think it’s cool and since you’re the guy with the cool (i.e.: loud) car, your opinion is the only one that matters/is heard.

Any Song by Taylor Swi…

*Someone literally jumps into your car to make sure you never play anything by Taylor Swift, which now means you have someone in your car to chill with you. Mission accomplished. Swag on, Big Man On Campus*

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