PSU news by
Penn State's student blog

Topics

About

My Journey: Miss Kildare’s 2014 Competition

I’m a college student. I need money. Naturally my standards are low, so when I saw Kildare’s was having a competition to become “Miss Kildare’s,” the female connotation of the contest’s name didn’t stop me from checking it out. Plus I figured no one would notice I’m a man, since I’m easy, breezy, and beautiful.

“Miss Kildare’s” is the prestigious title given to one lucky contestant who applies at any of the five Kildare’s locations in Pennsylvania. You have to make it through three rounds of judging, based on “Kildare’s Appeal, Attitude, Competence, Talent, and Crowd Response”. If you make it through every round, you’ll get a free trip to Las Vegas, and if you win the finals, you get to appear in Kildare’s ads for a year & win a trip to Ireland. I figured I was relatively qualified, so I decided to give it a go.

While I’m not 21 and I’ve never stepped foot inside Kildare’s, I have walked past a few times. I even ordered a french toast breakfast from it once, (mainly because it delivered and I’m lazy), but it wasn’t half bad for $10 french toast. However, I can irrevocably say if I were 21, Kildare’s would (probably) be my bar of choice (maybe). I figured with these experiences, and my charming personality, I was qualified enough to at least apply, and I’d cross that whole “I’m-a-man” bridge when I came to it.

I opened up the application wide-eyed and full of hope; “Sign Up Below” – here we go.

“Attire required for first round competition is jean shorts and a tank top”

No worries there. Can you say, “well endowed” in the booty department?

“Official Rules, Terms and Conditions here”

Meh, I’ll read those later.

First & Last Name

Grant “The Other Shade Of” Brown

Age

20 years and 147 days young

Phone Number & E-mail

717.XXX.4582 & [email protected]

“Tell us about yourself in under 140 characters”

“I like long walks on the beach, (but prefer a motor vehicle), coffee, sleeping, Breaking Bad, Onward State, & being ridiculously clever with”

(I figured a cliffhanger would get them interested. Plus I ran out of characters.)

 “Submit photo”

Right about here is where I hit a snag. While I may be an absolutely stunning man, I’m hideous as a woman, so dressing as drag to take a photo was out of the question. Plus, I made a promise to myself years ago, “never again”, so that was definitely off the table. I turned to photoshop, but those results were less than satisfactory. I attempted to meld my face with the woman I look most like, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, and, well…it didn’t go so well (Warning: NSFW).

Since I had stopped filling out the application to cry about how hideous I was, I ended up going back to those terms and conditions I had skipped over earlier, and that was where I saw it.

“Contestants must be 21 years of age”

My heart sank. I was so close to finishing my application, and I was hit in the gut with those glaring words. Alas, once again the R&R people kicked me out. It felt all too familiar, but this was the hand I was dealt. My short-lived dream of becoming Miss Kildare’s was over.

Watch out, Miss Kildare’s 2015; I’m coming for you. And the french toast.

(The first round of voting for the real Miss Kildare’s 2014 contestants begins September 12.)

About the Author

Grant Brown

Grant is the Internal Manager for Onward State, and to be entirely honest we're not quite sure what that means. When not OnwardStating, Grant spends way too much time in the student government (UPUA) office, making failed attempts at being funny, and playing music loudly in open, public forums.

Comments

More by Grant

Tom Corbett and Tom Wolf: What Do They Mean for Penn State?

Pennsylvania’s gubernatorial race is officially set, with Tom Wolf winning the Democratic nomination. Wolf will face incumbent Tom Corbett in November, with heavy implications for Penn State on the horizon. With the race set, we took a look at what each candidate means for Penn State.

Levels Needs R3hab

A Brief History of the Schreyer House

Athletics

North Dakota Interested In Playing Against Penn State Hockey In Nashville

North Dakota is working towards an agreement that will see its hockey team play against Penn State in Nashville during the 2020-21 season.

Former Cal Swimmer Says She Emailed Sandy Barbour About Sexual Harassment Claims

Max Sauve Commits To Penn State Hockey

Penn State Women’s Volleyball Releases 2018 Schedule

Penn State Hoops Alumnus Joonas Suotamo’s Journey To Becoming Chewbacca Featured On ESPN’s ‘E:60’

Student Life

Penn State Love Stories: A Chance Meeting On A Service Trip

When Abby Wilt went on a service trip to Nassau, Bahamas, she had no idea she’d meet the love of her life.

10 Questions With 2019 Class Gift Director Tom Beeby

Career Services To Launch Integrated Career Management & Recruiting Platform

Plans Submitted For New KFC In State College

Developers have submitted preliminary land development plans to build a new KFC restaurant at 1780 S. Atherton St. in State College.

State Theatre Recognized As A State College Historic Site

As it approaches the 80th anniversary of its opening, the State Theatre has been recognized as a State College historic site.

Penn State Love Stories: A Chance Meeting On A Service Trip

When Abby Wilt went on a service trip to Nassau, Bahamas, she had no idea she’d meet the love of her life.

Be the first to know

  • Top posts and the best Penn State stories

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.

10 Questions With 2019 Class Gift Director Tom Beeby

Tom Beeby will serve as the 2019 Class Gift Executive Director.

Send this to a friend