PSU news by
Penn State's student blog

Topics

About

My Journey: Miss Kildare’s 2014 Competition

I’m a college student. I need money. Naturally my standards are low, so when I saw Kildare’s was having a competition to become “Miss Kildare’s,” the female connotation of the contest’s name didn’t stop me from checking it out. Plus I figured no one would notice I’m a man, since I’m easy, breezy, and beautiful.

“Miss Kildare’s” is the prestigious title given to one lucky contestant who applies at any of the five Kildare’s locations in Pennsylvania. You have to make it through three rounds of judging, based on “Kildare’s Appeal, Attitude, Competence, Talent, and Crowd Response”. If you make it through every round, you’ll get a free trip to Las Vegas, and if you win the finals, you get to appear in Kildare’s ads for a year & win a trip to Ireland. I figured I was relatively qualified, so I decided to give it a go.

While I’m not 21 and I’ve never stepped foot inside Kildare’s, I have walked past a few times. I even ordered a french toast breakfast from it once, (mainly because it delivered and I’m lazy), but it wasn’t half bad for $10 french toast. However, I can irrevocably say if I were 21, Kildare’s would (probably) be my bar of choice (maybe). I figured with these experiences, and my charming personality, I was qualified enough to at least apply, and I’d cross that whole “I’m-a-man” bridge when I came to it.

I opened up the application wide-eyed and full of hope; “Sign Up Below” – here we go.

“Attire required for first round competition is jean shorts and a tank top”

No worries there. Can you say, “well endowed” in the booty department?

“Official Rules, Terms and Conditions here”

Meh, I’ll read those later.

First & Last Name

Grant “The Other Shade Of” Brown

Age

20 years and 147 days young

Phone Number & E-mail

717.XXX.4582 & [email protected]

“Tell us about yourself in under 140 characters”

“I like long walks on the beach, (but prefer a motor vehicle), coffee, sleeping, Breaking Bad, Onward State, & being ridiculously clever with”

(I figured a cliffhanger would get them interested. Plus I ran out of characters.)

 “Submit photo”

Right about here is where I hit a snag. While I may be an absolutely stunning man, I’m hideous as a woman, so dressing as drag to take a photo was out of the question. Plus, I made a promise to myself years ago, “never again”, so that was definitely off the table. I turned to photoshop, but those results were less than satisfactory. I attempted to meld my face with the woman I look most like, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, and, well…it didn’t go so well (Warning: NSFW).

Since I had stopped filling out the application to cry about how hideous I was, I ended up going back to those terms and conditions I had skipped over earlier, and that was where I saw it.

“Contestants must be 21 years of age”

My heart sank. I was so close to finishing my application, and I was hit in the gut with those glaring words. Alas, once again the R&R people kicked me out. It felt all too familiar, but this was the hand I was dealt. My short-lived dream of becoming Miss Kildare’s was over.

Watch out, Miss Kildare’s 2015; I’m coming for you. And the french toast.

(The first round of voting for the real Miss Kildare’s 2014 contestants begins September 12.)

About the Author

Grant Brown

Grant is the Internal Manager for Onward State, and to be entirely honest we're not quite sure what that means. When not OnwardStating, Grant spends way too much time in the student government (UPUA) office, making failed attempts at being funny, and playing music loudly in open, public forums.

Comments

More by Grant

Tom Corbett and Tom Wolf: What Do They Mean for Penn State?

Pennsylvania’s gubernatorial race is officially set, with Tom Wolf winning the Democratic nomination. Wolf will face incumbent Tom Corbett in November, with heavy implications for Penn State on the horizon. With the race set, we took a look at what each candidate means for Penn State.

Levels Needs R3hab

A Brief History of the Schreyer House

Athletics

Former Women’s Gymnastics Coach Files Lawsuit Against Penn State Over Handling Of Abuse Allegations

Former Penn State women’s gymnastics head coach Jeff Thompson has filed a lawsuit against the university following the termination of his contract in February 2017. Thompson, alongside his wife and associate head coach Rachelle Thompson, was accused by former gymnasts and an assistant coach of creating a hostile team environment. The Thompsons allegedly pressured athletes to compete […]

Men’s Soccer Trio, Reading United Win PDL Eastern Conference Title, Fall Short Of National Championship

Penn State Hockey’s Evan Barratt, Aarne Talvitie Participate In World Junior Summer Showcase

Ally McHugh Wins 400 Medley National Championship

Penn State Women’s Soccer Adds Swiss Forward Kim Dubs

Student Life

Girirajan Lab Seeks To Bridge The Gap Between Fly And Human Genomes

The lab uses a combination of human genomics, computational biology, and functional studies, using Drosophila and human cell lines, to understand the risks caused by genetic mutations and to grasp how gene disruption leads to altered neurodevelopment.

Join Onward State: Fall 2018 Application

Pennharmonics To Hold 25th Anniversary Reunion Concert

Plans Submitted For New KFC In State College

Developers have submitted preliminary land development plans to build a new KFC restaurant at 1780 S. Atherton St. in State College.

Join Onward State: Fall 2018 Application

Onward State is hiring for the fall semester and we’d love to have you join us.

Heinz Field Sold Out For Pitt-Penn State

The game is scheduled for an 8 p.m. kickoff on Saturday, September 8.

Be the first to know

  • Top posts and the best Penn State stories

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.

Madden NFL 19 Ratings For Nittany Lions

For the second consecutive year, Sean Lee is the highest-rated Nittany Lion in the Madden video game.

Send this to a friend