I’m a college student. I need money. Naturally my standards are low, so when I saw Kildare’s was having a competition to become “Miss Kildare’s,” the female connotation of the contest’s name didn’t stop me from checking it out. Plus I figured no one would notice I’m a man, since I’m easy, breezy, and beautiful.

“Miss Kildare’s” is the prestigious title given to one lucky contestant who applies at any of the five Kildare’s locations in Pennsylvania. You have to make it through three rounds of judging, based on “Kildare’s Appeal, Attitude, Competence, Talent, and Crowd Response”. If you make it through every round, you’ll get a free trip to Las Vegas, and if you win the finals, you get to appear in Kildare’s ads for a year & win a trip to Ireland. I figured I was relatively qualified, so I decided to give it a go.

While I’m not 21 and I’ve never stepped foot inside Kildare’s, I have walked past a few times. I even ordered a french toast breakfast from it once, (mainly because it delivered and I’m lazy), but it wasn’t half bad for $10 french toast. However, I can irrevocably say if I were 21, Kildare’s would (probably) be my bar of choice (maybe). I figured with these experiences, and my charming personality, I was qualified enough to at least apply, and I’d cross that whole “I’m-a-man” bridge when I came to it.

I opened up the application wide-eyed and full of hope; “Sign Up Below” – here we go.

“Attire required for first round competition is jean shorts and a tank top”

No worries there. Can you say, “well endowed” in the booty department?

“Official Rules, Terms and Conditions here”

Meh, I’ll read those later.

First & Last Name

Grant “The Other Shade Of” Brown

Age

20 years and 147 days young

Phone Number & E-mail

717.XXX.4582 & [email protected]

“Tell us about yourself in under 140 characters”

“I like long walks on the beach, (but prefer a motor vehicle), coffee, sleeping, Breaking Bad, Onward State, & being ridiculously clever with”

(I figured a cliffhanger would get them interested. Plus I ran out of characters.)

 “Submit photo”

Right about here is where I hit a snag. While I may be an absolutely stunning man, I’m hideous as a woman, so dressing as drag to take a photo was out of the question. Plus, I made a promise to myself years ago, “never again”, so that was definitely off the table. I turned to photoshop, but those results were less than satisfactory. I attempted to meld my face with the woman I look most like, Honey Boo-Boo’s mother, and, well…it didn’t go so well (Warning: NSFW).

Since I had stopped filling out the application to cry about how hideous I was, I ended up going back to those terms and conditions I had skipped over earlier, and that was where I saw it.

“Contestants must be 21 years of age”

My heart sank. I was so close to finishing my application, and I was hit in the gut with those glaring words. Alas, once again the R&R people kicked me out. It felt all too familiar, but this was the hand I was dealt. My short-lived dream of becoming Miss Kildare’s was over.

Watch out, Miss Kildare’s 2015; I’m coming for you. And the french toast.

(The first round of voting for the real Miss Kildare’s 2014 contestants begins September 12.)