As most college students can attest, nothing tops off a night of drunken debauchery quite like a hot, greasy, cheesy slice of pizza. But in a place like State College, with so many inebriated eateries to choose from, how do you pick a favorite?

It’s an endless debate: Canyon versus College, Bell’s or Gumbys, and does anyone honestly go to Corrinado’s?

Sometimes the decision is based on proximity, and sometimes you just don’t have the extra change to go to Bell’s and your lonely dollar bill can only take you so far. It’s an important decision, but that’s why we’re here.

For this highly scientific evaluation, we recruited a team of six pizza experts in various states of inebriation. For simplicity’s sake, we chose to limit the pizza joints surveyed to Canyon Pizza, College Pizza, Gumby’s, Bell’s Greek Pizza, and Corrinado’s. Our test subjects were asked to evaluate on four categories: Sauce, Cheese, Crust, and Overall Taste. Subjects were also asked to attempt to identify which venue’s pizza they were eating. Each category was rated on a scale of 1-5, though some zeroes were given in cases of extreme distaste. The test subjects were presented the slices one after the other in a neutral location. The results were as follows:

Slice #1: Gumby’s

Located on Pugh Street across from Nicholas Towers, Gumby’s is a bit far from most apartment buildings. While most people visit for the infamous Pokey Stix, a slice of Gumby’s pizza can be yours for just $1.50. The counter staff is friendly and quick to get your food for you. Ranch isn’t sitting out, but a to-go pack was passed along to us at no charge.

Our test subjects struggled to identify Gumby’s. Out of the six, only one guessed correctly.

In addition to thinking they were eating Corrinado’s, our participants were relatively unenthused by Gumby’s efforts, so we quickly moved along to the next slices.

Slice #2: Bell’s Greek Pizza

Given its location below sidewalk-level on Calder Way, it’s pretty easy to miss Bell’s unless you’re stumbling out of the Gaff. There’s a decent amount of indoor seating for those looking to avoid Canyon’s grimy outdoor picnic tables. The staff isn’t the friendliest, and the ranch isn’t free, BUT they have a bathroom. It’s not the cleanest, but a trip to Bell’s certainly builds character. A plain slice will set you back a dollar and a quarter.

While opinions were mixed, the distinctive style and taste made Bell’s very easy to identify (Some marketing guru is behind a desk right now raving about brand recognition).

Slice #3: Canyon Pizza

For Round 3, our subjects were served everyone’s go to: Canyon Pizza. It isn’t always great, but at exactly $1 a slice, it’s cheap and reliable. Besides, the unlimited ranch is A+. And I guess there are those other sauces, but does anyone honestly get them? Or even know what they are?

Canyon also proved unmistakable to our test subjects. All participants agreed that for whatever reason, Canyon has been noticeably better recently than previous years. Whatever it is, all were relatively happy.

Slice #4: College Pizza

Call it Canyon for hipsters. Slices are a $1.25 and they apparently have good specials, but why go there when Canyon is a drunken hop, skip, and jump away, just across Beaver Avenue?

Despite giving College zeroes across the board, Subject #4 made sure to point out that he “loves it anyway.” No one else agreed.

Slice #5: Corrinado’s

The last stop on our pizza-ganza. Located in a sketchy shack on Hetzel Street, Corrinado’s is the kind of place that makes you question if selling pizza is the only business going on there. Whatever, the pizza’s cheap — just $1 a slice — giving Canyon a little competition for the Poor College Kid demographic.

If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that most of our participants seemed to mix up Gumby’s and Corrinado’s. Are they really that similar? That’s a post for another day.

Final Rankings

1. Canyon Pizza: Whatever you’re doing now, Canyon, it’s working. Keep it up.
2. Bell’s Greek Pizza: They did win Best Cheese! Consolation prize?
3. Gumby’s: At least you have the best Pokey Stix in town.
4. TIE: College and Corrinado’s: Though College did get straight zeroes from two participants, so take that for what you will.

While our subjects didn’t always share the same views on each slice, there was one thing we all agreed on: “Pizza is like sex: it’s good even if it’s bad.”

Did we skip your favorite pizza spot? Let us know which drunk pizza you think reigns supreme in the comments.