Overheard at the Homecoming Parade

In the afterglow of Saturday’s jaw-droppingly insane, fantastic, wonderful, un-effing-beliveably perfect win against Michigan, there’s no denying that Homecoming 2013 was a resounding success — but before the game (and the seemingly infinite sea of tailgates both before and after) came the parade! Despite the rainy State College weather, thousands of alumni lined the streets all over campus to watch the highly anticipated Homecoming Parade on Friday, and here are some of the best things we heard them say.

Girl in jeans: “Why is everyone clapping? Who is that?”
Girl in a Penn State hoodie, incredulous: “John Amaechi?”
Girl in jeans, excited: “That’s Avicii!?!”

Girl in a blue jacket: “If there’s candy, I will literally tackle a child to get it.”
Girl in a black jacket: “Thankfully there is no candy.”

Girl in a green jacket: “Why is the cage empty?”
Guy in a grey jacket: “They forgot to lock in the whores with the hay.”

Girl with curly hair: “We got free food!”
Guy with moccasins: “Fuck yeah!” *looks around* “Oh shit, kids… Heck yeah!”

Girl in a yellow jacket, about the State High band: “Jesus, this is more kids than went to my high school.”

Tall girl, as the Marines pass: “Men in uniform? Mmm, I like a man in uniform. I would… yup.”
Slightly shorter girl: “They can enter my port any day.”

Alum in parade: “WE ARE!”
Blonde girl: “PENN STATE!” *to her friends, who remained silent* “You guys! You have to answer when they say that!”
Girl in boots: “Oh, sorry, I don’t go here.”
Guy in a rain jacket, passing by: “She doesn’t even go here!”

Girl screaming at a float passing by: “Hi John! HI JOHN! JOHNNY!”
John: “Hi, Katie!”
Girl screaming (Katie, apparently?), shocked and tipsy: “I… You… YOU CAN TELL IT’S ME?”
John: “Yes, I can see who you are, Katie!”
Katie: “HI JOHNNY!”

Girl in a white shirt: “Wait, is it raining?”
Guy in a sweater: “I don’t know, check your boobs.”

Guy in a rain jacket: “I’ve seen half the penises of the guys that I was with anyway.”

Middle-aged woman in a Penn State hoodie: “Okay, honey, let’s cross the street.”
Teenage son, glowering: “Yeah, right. Yeah right! YEAH RIGHT!”

Blonde girl, whining: “Why can’t we just watch this from home, Dad?”
Her dad: “What, do you want to watch the game from home too? Man up!”

Girl in leggings: “OH. MY. GOD. A GIANT MOUSE. OH MY GOD.”
Her friend: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s a lion though?”
Girl in leggings: “WHY would it be a lion?”
Her friend: “Like… the Nittany Lion…?”

Girl in a cardigan, about the Maryland alumni chapter: “Look, those paraders have crabs!”

Girl with a bubble umbrella: “What did you get, what did you get!”
Girl in a poncho, unwrapping the foil: “It’s… A pulled pork sandwich?”

Girl with a pink umbrella, grumbling: “Ughhhh, I’m so wetttttt.”
Her guy friend: “Heh heh heh… wet.”

Guy in a sweater, slurping Nerds out of his hand, responding to a girl glaring at him: “What? There’s only so much I can do! I’m saving the energy in my tongue for later… You know. Sexually.”

Girl in black rain boots: “She’s the one I thought wanted a threesome.”
Guy in moccasins: “Right, she still does.”

Girl with red hair: “That lady was like five years older than God, and I was just like, ugh, tap out.”

Tiny child in a Penn State hat, running toward her parents: “Mommy, mommy, my pockets have so much candy!”
Bitter Penn State student: “That little bitch.”

Girl in a white shirt, squealing: “Nomygodddd! Where can I get a baby Blue Loop?!”

Drunk guy, stumbling: “Yeaaaaah! MAKE MICHIGAN OUR BITCH!”
His friend: “…Again.”
Drunk guy, angrily: “What?”
His friend: “Make Michigan our bitch again. It rhymes.”
Drunk guy: “Fuck your rhymes! Michigan is always our bitch!”

Guy in a Michigan hoodie, to a friend: “We’re gonna win!”
His Penn State friend: “You’re not.”
Their seemingly impartial friend: “Fellas, fellas… win or lose, ya always booze!”

Girl with Nittany Lion ears: “Is there just the parade and the game or is there a dance, too?”
Girl in a crewneck, judging her: “What is this, tenth grade?”

Kid wearing white: “His gangsta name is Crouton.”
Guy with short black hair: “He’s from Marietta, he’s NOT gangster.”

Girl with a headband: “Let’s just get fucked up on the White Loop ALL DAY tomorrow.”

Girl in leggings: “Started from the bottom… now you’re dry-heaving on College Ave.”

Little kid running with another little kid, running: “I’m faster than you!”
Other little kid, trying to catch up: “No you’re not! This isn’t about physical fitness!”

Girl in a purple sweatshirt: “Homecoming is so weird. I saw a bunch of alumni pregaming the parade in the middle of campus and was just like ‘you’re someone’s grandparent or something and here you are shotgunning beer.'”

Guy in a rain jacket: “Old man in heelies… Recipe for success or a shattered hip.”

Girl in a “Hockey Valley” hoodie, sniffling: “I can’t believe this is my last homecoming parade…”
Girl walking next to her: “Aw, are you graduating?”
Girl in a “Hockey Valley” hoodie, whimpering: “Yes.”
Her friend: “Didn’t you see all the alumni chapters? That was like the first hour and a half! It’s not your last parade!”
Girl in a “Hockey Valley,” wailing: “We were bitching about how there were too many of them!”

Girl in yellow rain boots, screaming about the Blue & White Society Float: “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HOLY SHIT HOW DID THEY HOW DO THAT!?”

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About the Author

Alicia Thomas

Alicia is a senior with majors in Print Journalism and Spanish and a minor in International Studies. Chances are that she's somewhere talking about her semester abroad or ranting about sexual assault prevention right now. She can be reached via Twitter (@aliciarthomas) or email ([email protected]).

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