Dear HUB Flierers,

I apologize if this isn’t as funny as the Dear Blank, Please Blank trend that we all just survived, but I need to tell you all something. I do not, under any circumstances, want your flier. When I physically move my body out of the way of your outreached hand so I don’t have to take your flier in the HUB, it means that I do not want your flier. I understand that there may be a few ways to interpret this action, but only one way is correct: Please please don’t give me your flier. Actually, there was one time when the bathroom I was in ran out of paper towels and I used a flier somebody gave me to wipe off my hands, and that was pretty convenient. However, unless my hands are visibly in need of drying, I do not want your flier.

When you see my head pointed directly down as I pass your hand that’s vomiting up pointless fliers, it is not due to a lack of neck muscles. Instead it is due to a lack of me wanting any type of information about the musical Chicago. So forgive me, but I truly thought that we had the mutual understanding that no eye contact meant no flier. Maybe it needs to be reiterated.

While it can be exciting to pretend like I’m in The Matrix dodging bullets instead of fliers, it’s kind of a lot of energy when I’m already at a near sprint to beat the line at Chick-fil-A. I just kind of need a break, you know? It’s not you, it’s me (but also it’s 1,000,000% just you).

I understand the appeal of the fliers, really I do. You’re having a Cold Stone Creamery fundraiser and want my money to help some sort of cause. However, if I’m being honest, I’m not going to attend the Cold Stone fundraiser to help an organization I have no affiliation to. If I do patron Cold Stone during a fundraiser, you should all know in the spirit of honesty that it’s not because I want to help your organization; it’s because I have a Cold Stone punch card and am one punch away from getting a free ice cream. There are such things as coincidences.

This needs to stop before anybody else gets hurt. Paper cuts are not injuries to be downplayed or overlooked, and I’m surprised risk management hasn’t shut the operation down yet. Plus it’s only a matter of time before a flierer approaches the wrong person and that person gets really, really angry. I know that whenever I open the doors to the HUB and see hungry flierers waiting for me to get close enough my reaction is a lot of dread. It’s in all of our best interests that this ends before we all get hurt.

There are a couple of solutions here. We could just end this flier business now and stop giving them out, or the people who give them out can eliminate the middle-man and just throw their pile of fliers out themselves (in the mixed office paper recycling bin please). It’s entirely up to you, but just remember the real person getting hurt here is the environment.

Once again, I apologize for being blunt here, but I think we can all agree that advertising via billboards and air writing is the most effective way to get your point across. It worked for the Joe Paterno statue. The only exception to this “no fliers rule” is the Chipotle ones because I’ll use any excuse to eat there.

Sincerely,

Hoping for a change.