Forgive me, Rutgers, for I have sinned.

It is just now that I have realized what an incredible institution Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, truly is.

As a native New Jerseyan, born and raised in Cherry Hill, I betrayed you by coming to this school known as “Penn State.” I am embarrassed to say that it took me this long to see your great institution for what it is — a future Big Ten Powerhouse, and the university that New Jersey both deserves and needs. Take that, Batman.

Rutgers, is there anything that you don’t possess? Founded in 1766, you’re the eighth-oldest school in the country, so you’re basically an Ivy League. Forget what all the rankings say, you are obviously a top-notch, elite school, right up there with Harvard and Princeton — not alongside Texas A&M and Miami University (in Oxford, Ohio), as foolish others say you are. Rankings are subjective, anyway! Nobody understands our New Jerseyan spirit and superiority. They’re all just jealous. Your academics are so obviously unmatched! I mean, where else can you get the invaluable experience of learning about New Jersey’s greatest hero, Bruce Springsteen, in a classroom setting? Any employer that rejects someone with that kind of knowledge is clearly insane.

And your athletic department, oh, your athletic department! You played in the first intercollegiate football game. Who else can say that? They think they have fun football games here at Penn State, but hello, these peasants didn’t even play the first-ever football game! Penn State fans will claim, “But we have two national championships and Rutgers has none!” But don’t let them fool you — they’re really just jealous. Honestly, who needs national championships when you have the first game ever? I mean, teams can win a national championship at any time, but the first game? That shit is forever. Sure, maybe football recruits don’t realize that when they leave our glorious state to come play at Penn State in the oversized Beaver Stadium, but clearly they just don’t know what real football is. All those recruits want are “wins” and “fans” and “a school where people actually come to football games.” What idiots! They just don’t appreciate Rutgers and its incredible history as an institution. Who cares if Penn State has beat Rutgers repeatedly and relentlessly for the past 96 years? It’s still just plain old PoSU — that’s Piece of Shit University, but you already know that.

Don’t even get me started on the school’s location. Rutgers is only an hour from New York City, which is frankly amazing. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve sat in my downtown State College apartment, thinking, “Wow, I just hate being at my school on the weekends. I wish there was a major city nearby that I could visit instead of being trapped on campus.” And yeah, some people may claim that New Brunswick is “not the nicest area” and say, “I haven’t been to hell yet, but I’ve been to New Brunswick, so at least I know what to expect!” But who needs a safe and pleasant “college town” when you’ve got New York just a short hour away! I mean, nobody actually goes to college to stay at college. You have to leave eventually, so why not start while you’re actually still in college? Logic, people. Simple, simple logic.

Rutgers, you are the pride of New Jersey. So maybe New Jersey does have the lowest import-export ratio in the country of college-going students, lower even than Alaska somehow, but that doesn’t matter. I mean, is this data seriously supposed to suggest that students would rather stay put in their faraway frozen homeland of Alaska than remain in their home state of New Jersey and go to Rutgers? Numbers are subjective, of course, so don’t listen to them. Numerical data isn’t concrete. There’s a clear anti-Jersey bias going on in these surveys. They mean nothing.

Oh, and Rutgers students! They must be some of the brightest, most hilarious students in the country, if not the world. Jokes like, “Have fun in Pennis State,” and “Penn State tailgates with Mike’s Hard,” have clearly cut deeply into the hearts of Nittany Lion fans, who shall now limp away, their pride wounded by the biting wit and originality of impeccable Rutgers students. I don’t even think I would be funny enough to fit in at Rutgers! And don’t even get me started with Coach Kyle Flood not calling Penn State by its actual name — that joke is so clever, you’d almost think he stole it from somewhere else! Now that’s a real coach.

In summation, I would like to welcome Rutgers to the Big Ten, and apologize to the school and to New Jerseyans everywhere for taking so long to realize the absolute dominance of Rutgers as an academic, social, and athletic institution. I should be ashamed for ever thinking that Penn State — I mean, that school from Pennsylvania (see, I’m starting to fit in already! Are you proud of me, Coach Flood?) — was at all superior to Rutgers in any way. I understand that I may never be forgiven, but hopefully together we can start the healing process.

Peace. Love. Rutgers.