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Penn State Announces Even More Greek Life Regulations

After announcing a number of serious regulations to Penn State’s Greek life earlier this week, President Barron and his administration rolled out even more restrictions and tasks for the fraternities and sororities on campus. Whereas Thursday’s restrictions were unique to the functions of Greek life, these additional requirements would more likely be considered miscellany.

The following regulations were announced in a press release late Friday night:

  • Fraternities and sororities must maintain the grass and hedges outside Old Main to secure their eligibility to enter dancers in THON 2018. This includes facilitating a crow scaring once per semester.
  • All Greek letter clothing must be purchased through the on-campus student bookstore at a price to be determined solely by Barnes & Noble.
  • Fraternities and sororities are now responsible for cleaning the laundry of Penn State administrators and their families. Laundry can be picked up at Old Main and should be delivered to the Schreyer House. Instead of reimbursing Greek members for the cost of taking an Uber to the Schreyer House, President Barron will donate the equivalent to the Beaver Stadium renovation fund.
  • President Barron must be given the option to DJ every fraternity party. Please keep in mind his backstage rider requires a constant stream of blue and white M&Ms.
  • All social events must serve food from a university dining commons or the Berkey Creamery. Consistent with traditional regulations, the Office of Fraternity & Sorority Life has instituted a no-tolerance policy for flavor mixing.
  • During Board of Trustee meetings, fraternities and sororities are responsible for pet-sitting for the trustees and Penn State administrators. Cats and dogs will be paired with organizations immediately prior to the meeting, but arrangements will be made in advance to assign more exotic pets. These may include, but are not limited to, snakes, tarantulas, iguanas, and tropical fish.

These new sanctions were met with a flurry of criticism from fraternity and sorority members on campus who are already overwhelmed by the previous restrictions.

“First you take away pledges, and then make us do laundry? I don’t even know how to do my own laundry,” one anonymous fraternity brother said. “That’s usually what pledges are for.”

“Listen, I really like President Barron personally and usually agree with his ideas, but this is absurd,” said a member of the PHC executive board who also asked to remain anonymous. “I’ve heard him DJ before, and good for him for having a hobby, but he played ‘I’ve Got A Feeling’ three times. If I still wanted to feel like I was at a middle school dance I would’ve failed 8th grade.”

Despite outspoken concerns from both Greek and non-Greek students and alumni, the university administration is standing firm on these regulations.

“These new regulations are for the common good of Greek life and the university as a whole,” Barron said. “It’s clear that members of fraternities and sororities need to be taught responsibility and character and this will do just that. The important thing is that they remember to separate my whites and colors and hang-dry Molly’s delicates.”

President Barron also responded to the PHC executive member who dissed his DJ skills: “That is simply not true. My sets are a combination of today’s hits, some light EDM, and a tasteful amount of throwbacks. These new regulations will help clear the air about that, and I ask that everyone withhold judgement until all the facts come out.”

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About the Author

Mike Reisman

is a senior Supply Chain Management major with an Economics minor (Read: Business Douche) from South Jersey. He has an intense fear of graduating so please don't bring it up. He writes about stupid things nobody cares about, and student life if the site is low on content that is clearly supposed be funny but is really very unfunny. He is lovingly (?) known around the staff as Baby Mike which may or may not be because he has a child (hint: it’s not). He’s also a second generation Penn Stater who has been wearing Penn State sweatshirts since before he was two, a habit he hasn’t grown out of. If you really hate yourself, you can follow him on twitter at @mike_reisman or email him at [email protected]

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