For a long time now, Onward State has existed as a service to the Penn State community. Our stated goal to generate honest conversation in the hopes of enriching the community has motivated writers for over six years, and continues to be our focus. We hope to serve as best we can with the content we produce, keeping you informed and entertained.

Now, however, the powers that be have decided to ruin all of that. That’s right: My fellow editors have handed me a weekly advice column/mailbag.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, there’s no way I’m enough of a degenerate to possibly need life advice from the Onward State Features Editor. In fact, I’m pretty sure they invented that position so he’d shut up.” First of all, yes you are! Trust me, you need help. You’re an absolute mess, bruh. Second of all, yes they did! And now they’re suffering the consequences of that decision.

Emma Lazarus’ “The New Colossus” reads “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” For the sake of this column, let’s mix that up a bit. Give me your tired and your poor still, that’s like 75 percent of college life. The huddled masses are more scattered readers, and instead of yearning to breathe free you’re wondering what the most cost-effective way to get drunk downtown is.

So, ask me anything. It can be Penn State-related, it can be general life advice, it can be relationship issues, it can be which cheese is most appropriate for that sandwich you are making. I consider myself an expert in advice, regardless of the subject. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll at least be able to bullshit you well enough where you’ll feel like you did enough research prior to making a terrible decision. Really, what else can you ask for?

I want to hear about your stupid roommate problems, your horrible sex life, and your inability to pass Econ 104. I’m here to help, and I promise I will only make fun of you a little bit. Submit them below, and I’ll respond in a column to come this Friday. Welcome to the next great feature on Onward State.