Overheard At Primanti Bros.
As someone who has never been to Pittsburgh, I didn’t understand why everyone was freaking out about some chain restaurant coming to State College. Little did I know what Primanti Bros. had to offer me. A sandwich with cole slaw and french fries? A pitcher of bright blue alcohol with a duck in it for less than $10? A vodka soda for less than $2 during happy hour? I was sold.
After waiting in a very long and confusing line, I was finally led (by one of the many skeptical hostesses who checked my ID) to a booth by the bar, where I perked up my ears to listen for any amusing anecdotes I might hear. Here’s what I came up with.
Guy at the door: “Be careful. We’ve already thrown out 23 people today and it’s only 8 p.m.”
Girl in a leather jacket: “Oh my god! You have a black eye! What happened? Did you get in a fight?”
Girl with a black eye: “Yeah, my counter beat the shit out of me.”
Girl in a leather jacket: “What?”
Girl with a black eye: “Yeah, I tried to grab mac and cheese out of my cabinet and I slammed my face on the counter on my way to grab it.”
Girl with a leather jacket: “You need to come up with a better story than that.”
Girl with a black eye: “Okay… My husband has a really bad temper so I ran off, took off my ring, and came here, and tonight’s my night to get wild!”
Guy at the door: “Would you like a table or a seat at the bar?”
Blonde girl: “Anything is fine, I’d kind of just like to be indoors.”
Guy at the door: “Well then, you could go back to your apartment.”
Girl struggling to find an order: “Can I like, just get cole slaw? Without the sandwich?”
Girl with a black eye: “Can you take that picture of me from another angle? You can see my black eye.”
Guy in a green shirt: “Didn’t you see her face?”
His friend: “You think I was looking at her face?”
Girl in black jeans: “Someone’s mom is dancing on the bar!”
Her friend: “Oh my god!”
Girl in black jeans: “I’m putting this on my Snap Story.”
Dissatisfied girl, looking around: “This feels like an overrated Applebee’s.”
Girl walking back from the bathroom: “They like, lined the walls of the bathroom with hot guy photos.”
Her friend: “What, are you supposed to like masturbate to them while you’re in there?”
Girl with curly hair: “I feel like these ducks are probably those lead paint Chinese toys and they are going to poison us.”
Girl with a black jacket: “These pitchers are $6 now, right? So are they $3 during happy hour?”
Waitress: “No, they’re $6 all day today including during happy hour.”
Girl with a black jacket: “Okay, then I’ll take another one.” *Her friends stare at her* “What? I’m not waiting six more minutes until happy hour to pay the same damn price to get drunk!”
Girl with a plate of fries: “Can you put ketchup on here? But don’t get like that ketchup precum on there.”
Her friend: “Excuse me?”
Girl with a plate of fries: “Like the juice that dribbles out before the real ketchup.”
Girl in grey: “It’s weird that you own an apartment in Queens.”
Girl with an apartment in Queens: “It’s weirder that that random bartender from the other night asked me to live in it.”
Guy with brown hair: “God forbid the Penguins lose tonight, there would be a thousand fights and everyone would get kicked out.”
Girl in black boots: “Is every guy from Pittsburgh hot or something? I haven’t seen an ugly guy in here for hours.”
Girl pushing her cole slaw away from her, disgusted: “This isn’t fucking cole slaw! This is bullshit!”
Girl stirring her drink aggressively, looks down to see her ducks are submerged in her drink: “Oh god! My ducks! They’re drowning!”
Guy in a button-down: “I get a Collegian if it’s raining and I don’t have an umbrella but that’s really it.”
Girl with a nose ring: “I guess I flashed him at The Phyrst once. I don’t know, I don’t remember it.”
Girl in a leather jacket: “I want to get like 400 of these drinks then fill a bathtub with all of the rubber ducks that come with them.”
Her friend: “That’s only okay if you fill the bath itself with this drink.”
Girl with long dark hair: “This guy was all like, ‘I’m all about relationships,’ and I was like, ‘Pussy!'”
Girl in a blue shirt: “Did you see the chubby guy outside with the iPad? I want to kick him in the nuts.”
Girl wearing heels: “We were having sex and we weren’t facing each other and I turn around and he’s on his fucking phone!”
Her friend: “I mean, I used to play Candy Crush while my ex and I hooked up. I’m at level 829 for a reason.”
Guy in jeans: “What’s that smell?”
His friend: “Is someone smoking weed in here?”
Guy in jeans: “I definitely smell a joint or 12.”
Girl in a low-cut top: “Who are you gonna fuck tonight?”
Her friend: “I don’t think I should fuck anyone tonight. I’ll cry.”
Girl in a low-cut top, encouragingly: “I disagree.”
Girl with blue eyes: “I told him I loved him so he’d give me a Tiffany necklace. He sent it to me in the mail.”
Blonde girl: “Which boyfriend did you break up with? The one without the alcohol problem?”
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About the Author
In the words of Onward State assistant social media manager Anthony Fiset, “Mo Bamba is enough to incite a riot at Beaver Stadium,” and the same could be said about the BJC.
Homecoming 2019 is locked in for the first week of October.
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