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The Sickest Penn State Burns

Ever been in the position where your friend throws a moderate-but-not-mic-droppable burn your way and you’re stuck floundering for a mic-droppable response?

Your friends at Onward State are here to help. Due partly to the nature of our meetings, in which we sit around and make fun of each other more than we get work done, we compiled a list of the sickest Penn State-related burns we could think of for you to add to your joke arsenal.

  • I bet you look both ways before crossing Beaver Avenue.
  • I bet you go to every basketball home game and like it.
  • I bet the Willard Preacher has convinced you you’re going to hell.
  • You’re so dumb, you think University Park gives out snow days like the other branch campuses.
  • You actually believe the HUB is a playground.
  • You’re so dumb, you try to pay the Blue Loop driver.
  • You pick up the Daily Collegian to actually read it instead of just to do the crossword. 
  • Your standards are so low, you eat Canyon sober.
  • You once said, “Hey, this isn’t so bad,” when you were eating at Findlay Commons.
  • You’re so un-State, you don’t know the words to the Alma Mater.
  • Do you even know how many days it is until THON, bruh?
  • That’s so basic it wouldn’t even get posted on the Campus Story.
  • (alternatively…) You’re more basic than Old Main Instagrams.
  • Yo momma’s so fat, Are U Hungry named a sandwich after her.
  • Your résumé has more holes than the Freeh Report.
  • Yo momma’s so old, she remembers when Rip Engle was head coach.
  • You’re so lazy, Cafe hired you to be a waiter.
  • You’ve read the Collegian once.
  • Yo momma’s so old, she remembers when the HUB had a lawn.

Got another stately burn? Tell us in the comments. 

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About the Author


Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.


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