AccuWeather Study Reveals Joe Paterno Speaks To State College Through Storms
The results of a two-year long study conducted by AccuWeather were revealed yesterday evening, and in a rather startling discovery, the study indicates that the spirit of Joe Paterno currently controls the weather that hovers over Happy Valley. Although the findings indicate Paterno’s involvement within the last two years, some of the researchers speculate that he has been influencing our weather ever since his passing.
The study, aptly titled, “Say It Ain’t Snow, Joe: An Intensive Look into the Meteorological Permeation of Paterno,” was the collaborative effort of several researchers on the staff of AccuWeather, primarily Penn State alumni.
Mary Hale, an alumna from Penn State’s class of 1992, spearheaded the study. Hale described her idea of the study as “fortuitous,” and gives full credit to her love of football. “If I weren’t the football fan I am, I may never have spotted JoePa’s influence,” Hale said.
“It was sometime after JoePa’s death, I was in the office, working on a local weather radar report — and also watching the Super Bowl,” Hale said. “I was multitasking; I would track for a bit, then cheer for a bit. But as I switched between the two tasks, I noticed something odd.”
According to Hale, as she continued to work on the motion of the storm as well as watching the Giants and Patriots play in various formations, she noticed the similarities between the two. Her “lightbulb turned on,” and she realized how nearly identical the movement of the growing storm in State College was to one of Paterno’s signature football plays.
Hale revealed that her colleagues were quite skeptical at the first mention of her realization. “As soon as I noticed the connection, I knew there was a study to be conducted here,” Hale said.
As February of 2012 progressed, and more intriguing weather proceeded to affect State College, Hale continued to mention the idea to her colleagues, and even her supervisor. “They just didn’t see it like I did,” Hale said.
Finally, a massive storm system hit: Hurricane Sandy. The high winds and gushing rains swept through Happy Valley, with a torrential downpour thick enough to cancel classes. As the intense storm approached, Hale proposed her theory of Paterno’s weather interference for a final time.
“Not only did this storm simulate several plays out of Coach Paterno’s playbook,” Hale said, “but the timing simply made sense.” Hurricane Sandy struck State College only a handful of days after the football team’s loss to Ohio State on home turf.
With the approval of her supervisor, and the encouragement and assistance of her colleagues, Hale finally embarked on a two-year study that would eventually stumble upon the greatest intervention of spiritual energy upon a weather system ever to be discovered. The study, funded by Penn State’s Paranormal Research Society, has provided conclusive evidence that Joe Paterno is truly an angel in the backfield.
“It is official: Coach Paterno has a helping hand in the storm systems that sweep through Central Pennsylvania,” Hale said. “The storms and clouds act out JoePa’s favorite football plays, and oftentimes correlate with large events on campus, primarily football wins or losses.”
“Also, fascinatingly enough, the sun manages to break through the clouds and shine a ray of sunlight every time someone orders Peachy Paterno,” she added. “Good ol’ JoePa always did have a sense of humor.”
However, despite her extraordinary accomplishments, Hale isn’t quite finished yet: “The next leg of our study,” she continued, “is to decipher precisely what Paterno is attempting to say.”
It may be easy to assume that rain indicates Paterno’s sadness, and bright sunshine suggests his happiness — but Hale is quick to delay assumptions.
“Now that we know Coach Paterno is trying to speak to us, we shouldn’t be so brash to translate his emotions without any backing,” Hale said. “In the final year of the study, my colleagues and I aim to truly delve into the messages that Paterno is attempting to convey, through a series of heat-related radars and the directions of storm patterns.”
In an early postulation, Hale thinks that Paterno may be speaking to us in the spaces between the storms — “A morse code of storm speak, if you will,” she said.
Regardless of what the following study may elucidate, it is certainly a successful and exciting discovery that Paterno remains close to our hearts and our clouds, even to this very day. Just think: The next raindrop that lands on your head may have been flung from Coach’s very own fingers. A divine intervention indeed.