The Official Penn State vs. Maryland Drinking Game

The worst thing about away games (or, in today’s case, neutral games played away from Beaver Stadium) is just that: They’re away. Though initial reports suggest Penn State fans are dominating the turnout at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, the atmosphere isn’t the same as a home game. And if you’re a student, chances are you’re watching in your dorm or apartment, and didn’t make the trip.

Regardless, we here at Onward State plan to make the most out of our Saturday. With that in mind, we present the drinking game for the season’s third game away from Beaver Stadium — today’s clash against Maryland.

  • Whenever last year’s infamous handshake (or lack thereof) is mentioned, give your buddy a firm grasp of the hand and take a gulp.
  • If the captains do shake hands (and they almost certainly will), raise a glass to sportsmanship and drink for four seconds — one for each captain.
  • When Christian Hackenberg inevitably becomes Penn State’s all-time leading passer, pour one out for poor Zack Mills and take a drink.
  • For every shanked punt, punt your natty off your porch. Drink a second for every yard more that the shank traveled than your own punt.
  • Every time Hackenberg underthrows a wide receiver screen out of the shotgun, shotgun your beer immediately and curse John Donovan.
  • Every time the commentators mention Randy Edsall, drown your drink with a pinch of Old Bay in honor of the glorious city of Baltimore.
  • Whenever highlights of last year’s loss inevitably show, turn off the game and rewatch highlights from The Wire.
  • If Maryland’s star kick returner Will Likely takes a return to the house, crack open a case of National Bohemian, Maryland’s preferred brew.
  • Whenever Carl Nassib records a sack, or whenever Bob Shoop is shown on the screen, raise your glass, take a gulp, remove your hat if you’re wearing one, and salute those men.
  • If Penn State wins — and in the process clinches bowl eligibility — sprint to the kitchen, grab your favorite bowl, pour your drink into that bowl, and imbibe from that bowl for the rest of the day.
  • If it’s mentioned that the two other Division I teams in Pennsylvania are ranked, but Penn State isn’t, take a drink between the tears.
  • If Penn State loses, drink whatever you have left. If Penn State wins, drink whatever you have left.

Enjoy the game! And drink carefully, you bunch of drunks.

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