Onward State’s Official Thanksgiving Survival Drinking Game
The countdown is on until Thanksgiving break when you’ll finally be reunited with your families and (more importantly) pets. That being said, Thanksgiving is rarely the homecoming fairytale you fantasized about during the stress of midterms. It seems like we take one step into our childhood homes and an irrelevant cousin is already interrogating us about our major, love life, and future plans. Our dreams of catching up on sleep forfeited to studying and drinking are interrupted by relatives badgering us about everything.
The outlook is pretty bleak, but just remember this: alcohol exists. We hope your Thanksgiving break is filled with heartfelt family bonding, but here’s a survival drinking game for when your uncle-in-law screams “We Are” in your face for the fifteenth time.
- If your Dad wears a “Penn State Dad” t-shirt or that golf polo with the Nittany Lion logo on it, take an uncomfortably long drink, staring him in the eyes to assert your dominance.
- If your Mom concocts a Facebook post along the lines of “WE ARE…So excited to have our Nittany Lion back home,” take a drink. If she attaches a candid photo of you lounging on a couch or doing another pointless thing, take a shot.
- If your parents ask who Bill Pickle is and why you’re giving him so much money, drink.
- If they commend you for spending so much time studying at “the Cafe” drinking tea, smirk and take a drink.
- If your edgy uncle tries to explain why Joe Paterno doesn’t deserve his wins back, mentions a particularly bad Penn State football game, or asks you if you ever “met Sandusky” (yeah, I’ve been blessed with a few edgy uncles), whip out some Joe Paterno Legacy Lager and let the haters hate.
- If your siblings or cousins claim their schools are better than Dear Old State, purchase a Smirnoff Ice and proceed to ice their delusional souls.
- If Mom says “this isn’t a frat house” in regards to your cleanliness/alcohol intake/general word choice, take a sip of Crown Russe and ask her who she knows here.
- If you secretly wish the turkey was Wings Over, take a drink and pour one out for your homie Golden BBQ.
- If your grandfather indulges you in any 1980s Penn State football memories, slap hands and go shot-for-shot with him. Clearly, he can hang.
- If and when the food tastes better than the Friendsgiving you had the week before, remember how great your parents are for sending you to Happy Valley. Buy a bottle of wine and share it with them. If you’re anything like me, spend half your time thanking them and the other apologizing incessantly.
Drink responsibly, hug your parents, and just this once, help them wash the damn dishes.
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About the Author
Tim’s Law adds stricter penalties for hazing, as well as provides requirements for institutions and includes immunity for those who call for medical attention in hazing emergencies.
Sean Spencer’s Wild Dogs have now accumulated 25 sacks on the season, securing 25 turkeys to be donated to the State College Food Bank at Thanksgiving.
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