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Power Ranking The Most Legendary Drinks From Penn State Bars

It’s an age-old debate, as subjective as it is pointless: What’s the best alcoholic beverage?

The Onward State Bar Beat unanimously agrees Penn State is an incredible place to imbibe, but we argue about the minutiae — especially when it comes to all-time favorite State College bar drinks.

We decided to settle it for the good of the community (over a few beers, of course). Behold, our definitive Penn State signature beverage power ranking:

6. Primanti Bros. Drunk Ducks

Frankly, the best part of this drink is the rubber ducky. It’s a little (read: a lot) too sweet, but an entire pitcher at three dollars during happy hour might be the best value in State College. The Pittsburgh-revered drink eases a little Iron City homesickness, and the nostalgia factor alone lands the Drunk Duck a spot on our list.

Drunk Ducks

5. Cafe 210 Teas

Once again, this inexpensive pitcher-based drink is too sweet for the top three. The wide variety of flavors is awesome, but pretty overwhelming. It really depends on the flavor you pick, though. If you’re going to get one, our bar beat unanimously agrees you should order a Long Island iced tea.


4. Mad Mex Big Azz Margaritas

Any true degenerate is tempted by Mad Mex Mondays. They serve a purpose no other bar does. Aside from the $5 all-you-can-eat burritos, $5 Big Azz margaritas are the main attraction. If you’re a tequila lover, this is Heaven. If you’re not, this is Hell. Our staff is really split on this one, and we’re not people to discourage Monday funday, so this Penn State bar staple is worth trying.

big azz margarita
3. Saloon Monkey Boys

Monkey boys are a journey. For better or for worse, you’re not going to be the same once you take one down. They’re probably the biggest drink in State College, designed with one purpose: to get you incredibly intoxicated. They feature way too many types of alcohol, but somehow, it works. The cherries on top are — quite literally — the cherries on top.

monkey boy

2. Phyrst Trash Cans

We realize we praise the Phyrst a disproportional amount, but trust that we take bar beat integrity seriously. The trash can’s new $4 price is almost too good to be true for a Red Bull beverage. The drink is essential for the weaning hours of a daylong, when you really need that energy but don’t want to sober up. It actually tastes good, too.

FullSizeRender (1)

1. The Gaff’s liquor pitchers

They’re simple, tasty, and almost too effective. You get exactly what you ask for, and you can combine almost any type of alcohol with any type of mixer for six dollars. Is there any other bar in the entire United States that has this flexibility and this volume of alcohol at this cost?

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Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.


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