When Cafe 210 West announced it would make a huge new addition to its menu, our bar beat was excited. What could Cafe add to its menu that could possibly stand up to its famous Teas?

Yesterday, the bar introduced the Cafe 210 Freeze, a frozen slushy made in any Cafe Tea flavor. We sent three of our biggest degenerates to review the new Freeze, and they all came to the same conclusion: It missed the mark. Here’s what our staff had to say.

Alex Robinson — Blueberry Freeze

I saw the new Cafe 210 Freeze promotion a few weeks ago on Twitter and had pretty high hopes. Cafe is usually a ripoff price-wise, but I can’t deny, its outdoor patio on a spring afternoon is unmatched. For some reason, I let the thought of sipping cheap, delicious, ice-cold drinks on a warm spring day float into my head. That was a huge mistake.

We walked into Cafe and sat down at our table (shoutout to our waiter for serving us relatively quickly — a rarity in that establishment) and ordered our Freezes. I was shocked to see that every flavor was an astounding $5.50 for a 16 oz. cup. I asked our server if they were any good. His word-for-word response? “Eh. I wouldn’t get one today, but if you were outside and it was hot out I guess I would.”

That was the first warning sign these would be bad, and they just kept on coming. The waiter brought us our brightly-colored freezes, and they looked more like a swirled… I don’t even know?… than a real slushie. The white part was flavorless, and what I perceived to be flavoring settled on the bottom. The joke was on me though, as I tried to stir it up to mix the syrup throughout and it just completely diluted the blueberry flavor.

I took a sip and could hardly taste the blueberry, and the alcohol was practically non-existent! It was a bad excuse for an adult drink, And for $5.50, I was extremely disappointed.

I had dreams of sitting on Cafe’s patio on a warm April afternoon with a blueberry 210 Freeze in my hand. Now, I know I’d be better off going to Sheetz and buying a slushy, putting my own alcohol in it, and sitting on Old Main Lawn than spending my money on Cafe’s newest promotion.

Shannon Fox — Red Apple Freeze

I’m a beer girl, so I’m not usually one to order the sugary concoction that is a Cafe Tea. I do however, get a hankering for the red apple tea here and there, so naturally that was the flavor I ordered when trying the 210 Freeze.

The presentation of these things were cool, I felt like I was a kid again ordering this bright red slushy, and the addition of alcohol made it slightly better. However, the taste was so watered down from the ice it was hard to make out the apple flavor.  I would give it a solid 5 on a scale from 1 to Wawa quality.

Side note: I am a relatively tiny person, and after sucking down this thing I didn’t feel even the slightest buzz.

Sara Civian — Peach Freeze

Meh. I mean, rum and diet coke is my main form of sustenance so I’m not one for anything too fruity to begin with…but meh. It just wasn’t a strong enough flavor and was watered down by the ice. My complete degenerate nature means I’m not picky at all as long as the drink has enough alcohol in it. $5.50 and three brain freezes later and I didn’t even feel a little bit buzzed.

I’m sure this drink would be more pleasant outside on a warm day, but I still think you’re better off sticking with the original Cafe teas. They’re cheaper, more flavorful, and pack a bigger punch. Other than the patio, Cafe’s main selling point for me is cheap deals and this isn’t one of them. The only redeeming quality of this drink was the really cool straw/spoon that comes with it, which I just realized I left at Cafe. Dammit.

I know myself too well, and I should’ve known that this drink wasn’t for me to begin with. But even if I did slug down frozen drinks on the reg, I’d tell you that this one fell short.